Sunday, December 27, 2009

Eating Beans Alone With NO Sex...!

Yo! OK so I haven't been in the Christmas spirit really because...I mean, I guess I just don't care too much about it this year. I don't have children so I don't have to put up a tree and decorate or buy a million gifts for the little punks to break or leave over some other lil rugrats house!

Aaaaaaand moving on...

So, one of my friends is leaving her husband after 11 years of marriage. This sucks for a bunch of reasons:

1. She put all of these years into some guy and now has to start over. Its like a 5000 piece jigsaw puzzle that drops to the floor and splatters the moment you try to move it! Hell no! I'm not starting that shit over from the beginning... It's just a waste...

2. The double income disappears!! Stop acting like you all weren't thinking the same exact thing! I know what its like to lose that extra money that you've grown to take for granted used to. It's not cool at all! You'll have to eat beans and rice until you get accustomed to your new budget. Beans fucking suck, trust me!

3. Her ass is 11 years older than she was when she started dating the last time. Which means her tight ass and perky tits are now cottage cheese in a garbage bag and stretch marks racing each other across her boob! NOT HOT!! Its a shame...

4. She has kids by the loser guy! Which means they will be eating beans too they are now the victims of a broken home! smh

5. She'll be alone. Which she obviously doesn't mind because shes choosing to leave the guy rather than stay so...alone is probably looking really great to her right now!

OK, now I see some silver lining here...let me fill you in:

1. She can bang ANYONE she wants without getting caught worrying about hurting someone elses feelings!
Ha! Shiiii...that kind of freedom sounds good to me!

...Yeah, that's all I really can think of...

Good Luck Mamita!

No, you can NOT stay with me Lou....I love you...but Hell NO!

My walking around naked all the time might aggravate you after a few days anyway...

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Sexy SpongeBob and The Vagina

Today was a stagnant day. Sex was on my brain before my feet even hit my bedroom floor...gotta love it?...........or not so much.
So I flipped on the tele and since I fell asleep with the TV on Nickelodeon, SpongeBob was on. Now I was half sleep, but is it me or is SpongeBob NOT for children?
Now before I say anything, I am a HUGE fan of SpongeBob. BUT, would I let my kids watch it? Um...probably not. They say things like "shut up", "stupid", and I may have even heard a "damn"!
OK, so after half watching and listening for about 10 minutes, I SWEAR I see one cartoon figure bent over another. Now I'm a horn dog, so more than likely I'm making this into something that its not! But kids nowadays know more about sex than they did years ago... So tell me this...

How the hell am I supposed to explain sex to my kids?

OK being a parent already scares the shit out of me because I've seen how parents seriously fuck up their kids. When your child comes to you and asks about sex and babies and crap like that, WTF are you supposed to tell them?
Depending on how old they are I'm sure you can totally get away with "Well honey, you can fill out an application and place an order with Santa and he'll put you on a list to receive a baby when one becomes available". But how about when they're like 11 and no longer buying any of the bullshit your selling? What then?
What if my little boy sees me getting out of the shower and asks "whats that?" while pointing at my vagina crawl space.
It's too scary!!  If I have a girl, I'm screwed. The whole menstruation thing makes me vomit in my mouth and slowly die inside every month as it is.
It's bullshit madness I tell ya!!
I see the "holistic" parents who never even fib to their children because they believe lying breeds lies. So when they're kids ask about penises they say things like "Well sweetie, men have these tools to enter into a woman's vagina and plant the seeds of life"! WTF!?!?!
I don't care what you do to your children but my 2 year olds aren't going to be talking about vaginas before nap time....fuck that!
You can ruin the little freaks before they even hit puberty.
Parenting is hard enough without all the damn questions you have to answer in the deli section of the supermarket.
* What is a nipple?
* Why are you and daddy so noisy at night?
* What does mommy mean?
* Can I pee right here?
* Do boogers have feelings?

I'm exhausted already...

Monday, December 14, 2009

This Guy Chisels Away at the Italian Marble I have Protecting my Heart!

This is WHY I LOVE him So MUCH!!

I told him he was better than the Cotton Candy ice cream that I am addicted to LOVE from Cold Stone! Yep, I love him that much!

and he's hot....soooooo....I'm guessing I should book a flight to the UK like asap huh?

Sounds like a plan...(mental note: birth control? *check*)

In all honesty...Thank You Simon...YOU are why I write at all! *sniffle*

Carry on...

Sunday, December 13, 2009

The Cheater, The B*tch, and the Lost Beach Boy

Sometimes I have to stop myself from talking to people like everyone is an idiot except me! haha
It's really not funny at all, because I have this personality disorder attitude problem and I kind of sound condescending when I speak to people sometimes...yeah I should probably stop... I know people aren't morons...wait... right?? way I shouldn't be a bitch to everybody because I wouldn't want to be treated that way. So today I will control my anger even though most assholes people deserve it!

So In Other News::

! Tiger Woods has a love child huh? With his affinity towards white chicks women that don't mind being home wreckers, I'd say he's well on his way to having his wife pour hot grits on his ass in the middle of the night.
! Day 16 of NO flesh MEAT and the worst part is not the temptation, its the jerks that offer their opinions every time I say "nope, no meat for me" dude, did I ask you to comment on MY life choices?!?!
! So I've starting watching the tv series LOST on DVD and I'm up to season 2...Can I just say that I KNOW I'm late but stfu.'ll bounce his bastard children out right now! The man has DIMPLES...I mean DAMN, they don't make men like that anymore... fuck...
! I wish I had a workout partner, this way I can have someone to motivate me to ya know...workout.
its better to do those kinds of things together, this way I can minimize my lazy nonproductive days.
! I want some Cotton Candy Stone Cold ice cream...Hmmmm...How am I going to get it though, since I'm at work? *thinking*

in the amongst yourselves...!

Thursday, December 3, 2009

This is How My Brain Works...Can You Say A.D.D.?

I'm working really hard and stuff...

My ass feels like its unconscious. 5 people could have felt me up by now and I wouldn't have even known.

Am I hungry? I just ate...I need like a shot of Red Bull and a banana dipped in strawberry yogurt.

Now, rubber comes from trees right? Yeah, how the hell does that work?

It's so hard to be nice to people when you have an attitude. I feel like I want to snap sometimes...Does that mean I'm crazy? Maybe...

I unfold every paperclip that I come in contact you do this?

OK so back to slowly counting to 10 so I don't chew somebody's face off work...

Disturbia...But Not in the Sexy, Rihanna Kind of Way...

OK so today is my sixth day without meat! And I must say it's a lot tougher than I thought it would be. Now granted, I forget almost all the time. I added bacon bits to my salad yesterday and took almost 2 bites before I remembered that I don't eat pork anymore. Loser.

And I ordered chicken wings from the Chinese restaurant before "someone" reminded me that I was "flesh free". Shit.

I can say that I'm getting more used to not having it and my stomach has abruptly ceased growling for the most part!

I find that I can eat 3 times as much "veggies" than before, and I love veggies far so good!

Now lets move on to today's happenings...
My old friend, from my exotic dancing NYU days has come down to Atlanta for a job interview from NY. She said in very blunt words today that she basically "wants my life". I said what's so great about my life? Shit, you can have it! She said "I love the "way" you are, I see how you handle people and business and I'm envious!" So I told her that the way I do things may be different from how someone else might see it. I tried to get her to see that instead of adopting someone else's perspective maybe she should develop her own. I am all about doing things differently and being my own person, so if that's something that she admires, she could easily apply her OWN views and perspective to her OWN life!
This ignorant heffa told me that she would just rather "adopt MY perspective, since she already likes it so much"?!?!?!?

"I love how you talk to people and how understanding you are. And you always ask the right questions. You're like a tiger, cunning and intimidating".

You know, people are crazy... There are some real psychos out there!
I'm in the fucking Twilight Zone.

Monday, November 30, 2009

I Am Now a Pescetarian....It's a Vegetarian That Smells Like FISH!!

A Pescetarian is a Vegetarian that eats fish and seafood!...
Before I get the dirty looks from all the "real" vegetarians just's my life and my body so I can do whatever the hell I want suck on these!

Ok so now...Why am I doing it? Lots of reasons...:

^ It's GREAT for my body!! After 27 years of burgers, steak, bacon and lamb...I'm guessing my body needs a break. No reason to rush into a heart attack right??
^ Im not really a "Save the Animals" kind of chick but, after watching some documentary and reading all about the torture and the electric stomach kind of turns a little bit now!
^ Ive read that 1 person cutting back on 2/3 of their share of meat can save lives and prevent global warming...took me a while to understand but its something like less meat means less dead carcasses and less energy being used to kill all of these less slaughter house energy means less pollution. Less pollution means less global something like that!
^ I've read somewhere that humans arent supposed to eat meat anyway...either the bible or something about our intestines not being equipped to deal with the long digestion period of meat!

So pity congratulate me..!
There are TONS of resources about the transformation on the net...this is one of them!
Today is day I know that 3 isn't a big number...but remember Christmas is coming up and tough times lie ahead. I think I should be OK though...
Wish me luck... Do I smell bacon??

Monday, November 23, 2009

Lesbians are Cool!

I recently took advantage of an opportunity to pamper myself, its a courtesy of the hotel business I suppose. I haven't had a massage since the Reagan administration so I felt like it might be time to ya know, go get a rub down!
So I get there and its very classy and elegant. There is a doorman that escorts me into the spa and bows while he's holding the door. The owners were there to greet me and we had a quick talk about the business that I send to them and how they are very grateful (Nice bunch of people those Ukrainians)!
So she escorts me into a dark room with serene music and shadow spotlights, and asks me which type of massage I would like to have. I let her know that I'm kind of tense and I haven't had a day off in 11 days so I might need a Deep Tissue massage. She agreed and told me where to put my clothes and let me know that if I wanted to leave my underwear on, I could.
So once she leaves the room I strip down butt naked, because I mean seriously...I love my body and I'm not shy or uncomfortable in my own skin. I lay down on the table face down and tuck my fingers under my hips.
She comes in and says "Wow, you're naked...I love it"...!
As she proceeds to caress my back, I can feel myself relaxing already. Mmmmm!
Now the real party starts when she massages all the way UP my leg...also known as the ASS area of my body!
Now I haven't had a massage in quite some time, but I do NOT remember my butt cheeks being a part of the ordeal at all! While molesting my butt crack she says things like "You're skin is so soft, what do you do to it?"...WTF!
I mean, maybe she figured because I stripped down to "la buff" that I wanted to be sodomized by her fingers? Well the thing is, I actually enjoyed her fondling my private parts...(Great so now I'm a lesbian, awesome...)...I thought I was all finished and then she hit me with the two sexiest words you can ever hear during sex... In a sexy, sultry voice she said "TURN OVER"!!!
I said Awwww Shit...
She then proceeded to massage my upper chest area, like right above the "ladies". It wasn't the most awesome feeling but I'm a touchy feely person anyway, so I was very happy. *smile*
And then she insulted me by saying she didn't understand why a pretty girl has such ugly eyebrows ( smh) , so she waxed and plucked me to death, which really made me feel pampered....It was great!
The next day I had another massage set up by a different spa, and she was an older lady with waaaaaay more experience, so after THAT massage I had lobster skin... and my neck felt so loose and no longer tense! it was like I was finally free! Yay!!!
All in all I enjoyed the molestation and stuff...massages ROCK!!

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Touch Me, Tease Me.....Or Not!

Well I took a poll to ask readers what they would like me to blog about and SEX is the winner by like a landslide!!
Hmmm, lets see...what to about likes and dislikes?

OK Likes/Quick ways to make my panties moist...(God I hope my mom isn't reading today...sorry Ma, I know its Sunday!):

*...slow, tender kisses
*...rubbing of the head...OK now this might present a problem because I now have a hair-piece so many other women. So guys don't go rubbing on her bean until you get all of her beauty facts!
But my piece is coming out soon so, I love to have my head massaged...
*...I like it when he aims to please me...YEP...because I AIM to please...I LOVE to have him satisfied, it just feels so good to me.
*...blow me a kiss or motion a kiss from far away...I'll be squirming in my seat after a few of those.
* toys...they just make the world
*...having sex in places where people might see...or we might get into trouble...ooooh yum!
*...uncircumcised penises...enough said!
*...manhandling...I like to be tossed around sometimes...maybe even a slap here and yes I know...with the wrong person, this can be a disaster...(I found that out the hard way....OK, moving on!)
* in weird/erotic places: bathrooms, beaches, roof tops, the tops of car or trucks, parents/grandparents houses, malls, movie theaters, laundry rooms...etc...
*...CUNNILINGUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I'm doing the hula dance in my seat just thinking about it!)
*...his pleasure...This a big one...I won't get excited if I don't see that HE is excited!

Now, Dislikes/things that will never get you any of my Peach:
...body odor...I mean I LOVE giving head (ma if you're still reading, STOP right now!!)...yeah so...because I love giving head so much I have dealt with the musky, sweaty thing...but it's not optimal, and you or your balls shouldn't smell like you've been playing basketball in the desert!
...tongues in my ear...hell to the no...please, just don't!
...dirty hands and/or fingernails...because yuck sir!
...bad breath, FYI...this does NOT include that quickie in the morning before work!
...for you to stick anything inside my vagina that isn't a part of your body or a sex toy...this includes broom handles, pens, straws, popsicles, beer bottles, teething rings, or the like!
...ambivalence...because if you don't want to work for it, you wont get it! Period.
...bad teeth or smile, or hygiene...or dress...

Hmmmm, I'm sure there are a few more that Ive forgotten but we can add those in a bit later! amongst yourselves... :-)

Friday, November 13, 2009

The Life of A Mom...Poop In The Fingernails!!

This is my baby Quishu...He is bad as all hell!! But he's my booboo so I mean, what'reyagonnado??
So recently he took his bad ass into the kitchen and turned the garbage over and ate what was left of a popcorn dinner that I had recently... (Don't judge me!)
Needless to say he was beyond backed up, he was at that stage of constipation where you sit in the friggin corner and whimper, or growl at the foreign object formally known as your right paw!
So I couldn't take it anymore, I had to save my baby boy...I knew what it was because all of the online sites pointed to extreme constipation (and I didn't REALLY feel like paying the $196 vet fee...bastards...) I thought to myself maybe I should give him a puppy laxative...or (what the pet sites that I cruise occasionally refer to as) mineral oil.
...2 days later still NO POOP... So I had to do something I couldn't stand to see him squirming around!
Ok now don't hate me, I would never do anything to hurt my poor baby...but what's a mom to do????? The vet I talked to on the phone said to use a turkey baster, (yeah like I have those lying around...judgemental beeyotch!) I said can I just use a straw or something? answer...I could feel her rolling her damn eyes too...ugh!!
She said "if you bring him into the office we can try to break down the blockage", I said "so why cant I do that myself, for free?"...she said "Um, well you can try"...this fucker is aggravating me now.
I put her on speaker and took Quishu outside on the deck and tried not to vomit...
She wanted me to put my damn finger in my baby's bum!!! WTF?!?!?!?! I wanted to chew off the side of this lady's face!! But.....he was suffering...and screaming...and lets just say that he couldn't sit down for 2 days...BUT................I DID IT!!!!! And he made poo...
He is feeling loads better already...he's back to running around like a psycho and jumping into my arms with a plate of food in my lap...and then mommy has to spend her movie-night cleaning spaghetti off of his bum...awesome!
But whats best for the baby is all that matters, no matter that every time I see him poop I have convulsions and silently die inside...cause eeeew!
But yeah, so that's my tragedy...yes...I know!

Side Note:
Am I the only one whose piss switches directions midstream??....Soooo aggravating... :-x

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Why Don't I Have Enough Money to Travel??

Every now and then I get this urge to it it it a need to see something different, who knows?

I've been planning a trip to Greece since like 2007, but I'm lazy and procrastination is like my only talent. But I'm realizing that I have zero funds available to take a random trip around the world. Oh and I'm single so that's another reason...I don't have that AWESOME double income thing poppin'. So naturally I tried to explore the reasons why I have no travel money. I came across a few things...

* I buy something for my house twice a week, whether it be a throw rug, or curtains, or a new mop...I simply am addicted to the housewares department of Target/Ikea/Pier 1/Home Depot...yes I said Home friggin Depot! I like to switch up bedroom color schemes and I like pillows....don't judge me!

* I lend people money...that I hardly EVER get back...and I'm too nice to hound the mafia...who ALWAYS gets paid btw... Ever have a conversation with someone that owes you money? It's weird and uncomfortable...because every word they say you're like...stfu...and pay me...damn! Or......maybe that's just me.

* My truck EATS and SWALLOWS gas...probably only because I have a lead foot and hate hitting the brakes. I have some little driving tips that help to save gas, but none of them actually include slowing the fuck down!

* I pay for my moms EVERYTHING, because shes my only one and I think she deserves to be well taken care of (I mean she took care of me, and still sometimes does!).

* I buy whatever the hell I fell like buying, whenever I have the money...yea...I suck at saving... I mean, I try really hard sometimes...and I even get really great at it...but the "voices"...They speak to me and say things like... "Dude, you can totally fit that 9, buy it now or be a loser" or "It has to be divine intervention for your ass to look this awesome in those jeans"!

* I buy something every time I feel badly in order to make myself feel better...I know that millions of women do this...hmmm but those women are either married to men with money or they're also bad at saving.

* I eat out alot!! Like waaaay too much... which is probably why my ass looks like cottage cheese in a garbage bag...smh....bastard!

I always say that I'm gonna start saving more, but then...NYET! So maybe I should set aside like $20 dollars every check...hahaaaaaaa! Wait, isnt that called a 401K??

Update: I was headed to the mall to "look around"...BUT I stopped myself...but then still bought a book on Amazon...shit...

Saturday, November 7, 2009

10 Things To Do With a Severed Thumb

....because.......why not?

1: Give someone a wet willy...or my favorite...a wet Jessica.. :-)
2: Pick your nose while spinning in a circle!
3: Chuck it at a former president who "just doesn't give a shit"!
4: Slice it open, stuff it with catnip and tie a string to it. (Kitty toy)
5: Slip it in the pedicure tub at the nail salon!
6: Try to return it at Walmart...
7: Give to your waitress as a tip. (Make sure to include a wink after!)
8: Tape it to the windshield wiper of a strangers car.
9: Add bananas, blend it up and make baby food! Protein...yummm!
10: Talk to it while you sit in traffic!

Am I missing anything...?

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Sausage Boobs

I was thinking about boobs earlier...and what it would feel like to have none. I see a lot of boobs...well not a lot...but you know. When I'm talking to people they glance down at the girls like every 11th word, others just stare and block out my mouth moving at all!
So for the next 2 days I'll just stare and drool at every male package I see, it's my way of returning the favor. Bastards!
Now if I didn't have huge breasts my life would probably be different. I wouldn't have half as much free shit, and sex would be that much more boring.
I enjoy the compliments and the attention, but it would be nice if i didn't have to try on like 4 blouses at a time to find the one that fits well enough in the boob area. I don't want to wear anything that pops open and takes an eye out...hmmm...that would be funny!
Man, I can wait to get out of this friggin' boobs are suffocating.
I now know what a sausage feels like... :-(

Sunday, November 1, 2009

20 Reasons I can't be Obama's Sidepiece.....Anymore...

Do you hear that? Yeah, thats my heart breaking...

1. My ego is just too big to deal with the fact that I can't like declare war and my boyfriend can!

2. He whistles the tune to Good Times in the friggin' shower.

3. The nail on the pinky toe of his left foot is all irrational and scary-looking.

4. He likes for Michelle to watch. The first time it's cool and kinky...but every Thursday?? C'mon!

5. Hilary will not stop fucking winking at me! I have no idea why, but it makes me think he's saying something about me!

6. He wears PAJAMAS, I mean....seriously? No matter what I say, he never sleeps in boxers, a wife beater or just a t-shirt. It's always silk, satin or flannel PJ's...tops and bottoms...that always MATCH!!

7. He sucks his fingers after eating. Argh! But only after meals that include chicken.

8. He says SPIC. Only when with friends and in private, but still.

9. Every time he hugs my Grandmother, he frowns a little.

10. He calls me the "nanny" when there are press releases on the grounds.

11. He has a garden that he tends to everyday at 4:17pm. It's cool, but just a little bit weird.

12. In private he speaks this weird language from Kenya, and every time I ask him about it, he just stares at me blankly.

13. Whenever we kiss our teeth clink together and it makes me want to bite his tongue off.

14. He doesn't have a cell phone!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When he should probably have like 11 of them!

15. He doesn't believe in cremation, he thinks the ashes will rebuild themselves like Terminator!

16. He doesn't eat anything yellow. Butternut squash, bananas, lemons, cake...nothing!

17. He makes me ask him for his autograph as foreplay.

18. He always drunk-dials the same Plumber in Minnesota. I have to snatch the phone every time and apologize to Earl and his wife Nancy.

19. He ate 6 live earthworms once.

20. He told me the other day: "I don't love you" and I said "What? Why not?"...he said "I don't know, I just can't, and I should be sorry, but I just can't!"


Saturday, October 31, 2009

I Guess I'll Be a Horny Toad for Halloween

I'm sitting here trying to think of ANYTHING to get my mind off of the fact that I'm so HORNY I'd wink at a goat right now! I think there's something wrong with me, I'm like a guy. Men think about sex about every 42 seconds, no bullshit!?!? I promise you, I'm up to like at least every 11 minutes or so. It's a lot longer interval when I've either just had sex or have had sex in the last 24 hours. I literally could have sex like three times a day without ever flinching...some days more, some less.
I'm like that distracted dog in the movie "UP"...the one who says "SQUIRREL" in the middle of his conversations! If it's not a boob popping out of a lady's shirt to remind me of his tongue around my nipples, it's a sexy guy that smiles at me in the grocery store. I'm like an animal, with big old balls that need to be released.
Maybe I have a hormonal imbalance? Or maybe I was born a hermaphrodite and I still have tons of testosterone? Doctors think I'm a lunatic, they say I'm fine, they say my sex drive is just abnormally ridiculously high..I say...F*CK YOU...!!
Happy Halloween...

Friday, October 30, 2009

Why Give Up Being Single??

Ya know, It's a wonderful thing to be home alone...walking around all scraggly and smelling like tartar sauce! Being single has its not having to shave every 2 days and farting out loud...
Why would I give this up?? No, really....

Oh wait damn! ...SEX...duh!

Ignoring People is Fun...Try it!

Today is Friday, whoopdeedamndoo...! I don't have the 9-5 kind of job so its not like its a weekend for me...yea yea yea OK so...
I have on this gorgeous royal blue satin shirt...yep..I look nice and sexy! Except for the fact that it's one of those like peasant type its like riding up my ass all the way to my bra strap!
It's hard to pull off sexy when you have to keep pulling and tugging on your clothes like a 2 year old. Ugh!
In other news, I went to a conference for work yesterday, and I love discussing my job and meeting new people and all of the good crap that negates the shit that makes you want to say "f*ck dis job" on a bad day...but I was seated at a table with strangers and the women kept looking at me (one of them was a smoking hot BIG GIRL)...I thought maybe I had like a slippery snot boogie in my nose or something!

One of the guys pointed out to me "those women have been staring at you for a while now"...I'm like well I haven't slept with anybody's husband or cursed anyone out yet so...I could care less...let em stare...I look awesome today anyway...he laughs...
A few hours later, one of the ladies approaches me out in the hall after a meeting break and says "my friend and I so enjoyed your input and comments, you're so funny..." ...I'm thinking WTF??
We went on to talk about work and our jobs and where we wanted to go within the company and I found it very refreshing...women don't usually genuinely want to appreciate each other...especially BLACK women...and that's very unfortunate...because I always find myself complimenting women on whatever I think looks appealing about their appearance...
It's nice to see that I'm not alone in that regard...*smile*
People usually don't surprise me so, it was weird at first! I don't really do that well with strangers (except for work, because its my job to engage weird people and talk to them about things that I wouldn't out in the real world)...but its different when I'm not at work...I've mastered the art of ignoring people...typical NY'er...yea whatever, suck on these!

OK, so, yeah...enjoy the weekend!

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Don't...Make Me Get Up!?!

I am feeling like this right now!
I was just sitting on my deck sipping a glass of wine and 2 dudes are like talking really loudly and they know I'm sitting here...friggin' pricks...!
So because I'm an asshole, I say "Really? You're really talking this loud at 11pm on a Sunday night? Wow, I know you two don't have jobs!"
They looked at me like I was standing there butt naked eating a bar of soap...
One of em said "Excuse me?"....I said "Ju no speaka di Engleesh?, keep it down!!" I'm doing my neighbors a big favor, trust me!! W/e...RME!

PS...Yes! That IS my bra...stfu!

Kids SUCK!!! Yeah, I Said It!?!?!

So, I'm a little aggravated because I think people nowadays do NOT control their friggin' kids!
OK, so I'm not sensitive to the plights of parents because I don't actually have kids...well there goes my credibility...rme (rolling my eyes)...
All I'm saying is why are you letting your kids run around all "untamed"? If one of your rugrats bumps into me, YOU should say "Excuse me, I'm so sorry". But instead you look at me like I'm in the little bastards way?!?! UGH!
And they are ALWAYS effing sticky!! Yuck! They fart and puke and their coordination is almost always off...!
I don't give a shit if you assume people won't care because everyone is supposed to "know" how kids are and just accept it!! Yeah, Not me!!
When I was a child my mother would snatch me up with what black people refer to as "The Quickness"...She didn't tolerate me acting up and showing out and all the crazy shit that kids do now...I knew better, because I was taught better...!
I hope to have my children trained and well-mannered before the age of 5, having experienced first hand how pissed off people get when kids don't behave! I know as my mom always says "Kids will be Kids"...but damn...rude children grow into rude adults...!
Teach your damn kids some manners people! Argh!!
OK.... I feel tons better...
Hmmm, I think I'll make some homemade brownies??

Update: Having pinched a fat roll from my gut a second ago, my previous post of brownies will now be replaced with a stalk of dry-ass celery, lightly sprinkled with lemon juice... Smh

Friday, October 23, 2009

Nipps are Good! As in Nippy Weather, Not Nipples...You Pervs!

So it's getting kind of chilly outside, and I for one love the NIPPY weather!
There's the snuggle factor and the hot cocoa and nice sexy boots....but Winter here is nothing like winter in NY! The NY attitude is even worse in bad weather, damn fools already don't have manners (myself included), add bad weather to that and you get well, you get misdemeanors and felonies...Ha!
Now, don't smack me in the head with a sledge hammer, but I'm just getting into the show LOST after being about 5 years too late...I got sick of my friends calling me a loser so...better late than never..!
I kind of feel like that's how my life is, like brilliantly cast episodes of strange happenings and disasters masked by what appears to be luck that is really just fate played out in an overwhelming jungle! Yep, live in my world!
Do I smell bacon?
Speaking of nippy weather, this bra totally is not worth the $58 I paid for it, ....bastard!
Life would be so much simpler to me if I was like a normal C cup, or even a big B...!
Are there any breast men left in the world?!?! I don't have much of a round, juicy plump booty...but I am blessed in the sexy, smooth, milky tit area...I am now back down to a DD as opposed to the E I was earlier in the year......hahaha...dont hate bitches!!
OK I'm bored now...time for some bacon!

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Ooooh La La!!!

I woke up today and decided to weigh myself, because I haven't seen a change in like a week. My clothes are bigger but I just don't "feel" smaller...(women and their feelings huh?)...!
When it said I was 11 pounds lighter, I figured I must be standing on it wrong, so I got on and off like 12 times! But, tis suck on this *bitches*...wait, no profanity on Sundays...but just know that I love my body, no matter what! So Hmph!
In other news, I'm like addicted to these new shows FlashForward...Glee...Vampire Diaries...
I'm a big TV/Movie buff so I love sitting around talking to my people about all of it...
I'm Pisces so any way that I can escape "real" me, I will!
Now Flash, doesn't have really like a "Hot" guy that I can attach myself to in my imagination, but the story is strong.
Vamp D's, has Paul Wesley *swoon*, sweet lord in heaven I want this man to just have his way with me...*clears throat* ahem... its Sunday...OK...
Now Glee, is the work of a genius, now that I think about it, I'm surprised it hasn't been done before...Hmmm
OK now see, I HATE musicals, like within the depths of me I hate them...but the fact that they're singing songs that I listen to is awesome...and having been in quite a few choirs, I can relate...!
Its like watching a show with more than enough humor and drama to keep me entertained, and then having a concert in my living room too!
Love it!
OK, done you were...

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Texts and Giggles

My ex called all upset like "why didn't you return my text", I was pissed off with him so I said..."Well I was pausing for dramatic effect"...he said "for two fucking weeks??!?!?"
...I said "dude, really? aren't you married now?"....he shut the hell up then!
I said "hold my balls for one second"...he said "what?"... I said, "hold on for one second"...silently giggling to myself!
Just thought I'd
I have to I really just don't feel like typing

Molested by a Fruit Fly!

OK so I'm eating a danish of some kind, which is really not even my thing, I'm more into croissants or muffins, but anyway...
I bite down on the danish and gooey shit plops out the other side...THEN, this extremely rambunctious fruit fly presumes to sit his nasty ass right smack on top of my danish goo!!!
So I spit out the chewed danish, which pissed me off because I was like 2 seconds from swallowing w/e...and this bastard fruit fly flies up my damn nose!!
On top of being pissed off that this little prick had the audacity to try and choke me by flying up my nose, I now have to blow my nose, snot and all BTW, in front of like 3 weird strangers, who are now looking because I have danish goo sliding down my shirt in the front and snot dripping down into my mouth....AWESOME!
After he takes his sweet time up there he finally descends down and out of my nose...he probably had time to lay like 114,293 eggs, Ewww...
I rinsed my nose with so much alcohol that I nearly drowned...and I randomly still dunk my head underwater in the tub to sort of flush out the remaining larvae....
Soooo that was my day so far...yep, you had it easy!

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

You smell like Gross-Ness!

My dog just farted and it smells like curry shrimp...Eww
I have a pretty bad backache, and i'm tired but i cant seem to fall asleep...sooooo here i am...ooooh lucky you huh?
I could clean up my living room, it got destroyed in a losing battle with a moth/butterfly/alien that tried to move in...smh...nope...sorry if you want to live here you have to either have a job or be a stripper on the side or not even joking!
ok im bored with you now...go way!


Ok, so im like an attractive woman so i understand that guys ya know want to like ravage me, its cool I totally get it...but dont say things like "Hey Ma, i would love to F*ck the Sh*t out of you!"
Fucking jerk..>! >:-( ...i hate men, you bastards should be dragged behind all red pick up trucks!
Ok so now im going to go and put snot on the back of every mans suit jacket...! Chill, its not like green or even yellow, its clear, so no biggie!

Monday, October 5, 2009

Yes, I am Crazy....So What...Stfu

Yes sir indeedy, I am in a waaay better mood today! Yesterday i was ready to stab a few strangers with rusty screwdrivers...but i digress.
ok so, ive been on this lifestyle change, where i watch my portions and take better care of my body inside and out...but you know how you get to a point where you dont give a shit about a lifestyle anything....yeah, thats where i am...and i dont deny myself the things that i crave, i just have them in moderation...
That being said during the latter part of a womans "cycle" (w/e i hate referring to anything about a womans menstral anything EWWW YUCK....yep 3rd grade all over folks)...its just gross...ok TANGENT sorry...
um...what was i saying?...oh yeah so during that time of the cycle she may crave a lil bit more of the chocolate side of things rather than brussel sprouts thats where i am...except this was last week and now im shall i put it...GREEDY!
oh and LAZY too, like i usually run up and down the apt building stairs (3 flights) 4 or 5 ask me how many times ive done that in the last week...DING DING DING...your correct...NONE!
im a lame ass...quite literally...i dont want a mushy bum anymore...i want one of those nice bouncey tight bums...i just dont always FEEL like being sweaty and out of breath!
yep, jussssssst need to find a motivating, sexy, hot, freaky workout partner..>! And now ill stop dreaming...ill have to snap out of it!
Ok, time for a twinkie!

Saturday, October 3, 2009


You know, I'm not a very friendly lass to begin with....but at least I'm consistent! Hahahahaha! No Seriously...I hate strangers! but w/e!
Just had lunch with my Croatian friend...and the outcome of our conversation was.....America is dumb...!
Now, don't get me wrong I love the "land of the free", but sometimes I just wish we weren't becoming less fit, more diluted versions of our better selves...
Hmmm....I'm pretty sure that I'm included in the soggy Americans group...I think I'll read Pride and Prejudice again... Smh

Rawwwwrrrr (my tiger roar)!!!!!!!!

I just had a person ask me: "What time does the airport close?"

Effing morons unite once again...


When i got up this morning, the first thing on my mind was pizza...hmmm...w/e

OK so, I've been in a bad mood for like 3 days now...and shopping hasn't helped, movies haven't it a lack of sleep?
or could it be the fact that I'm horny and haven't had sex in like 4 days?!?!

I'm cranky...stfu!

Friday, October 2, 2009


Just shoot me in the f*cking face right now...!!! Friggin people working mah nerves!!
I need someone to trip in front of me or something! Smdh...


Today had better be awesome, im not joking!
I need today to be a great day...please...