Miss Me?? ....... Stop Lyin'!!

I haven't blogged in a good while.
I've been busy in the world, if you will. Nope, I'm not that important, but it does sound like I am right?
I'd love to get into a nice groove of blogging a few times a week if I can, but I'm a Pisces, so with me you never really know.
I've missed this, really.
A chance to just let go and complain without feeling guilty about perpetuating negativity.
OK, fantastic, so....whats been happening? Well...

My top 10 lesbian lovers list is almost complete, I'm up to about nine and I'm giving the last one a bit more thought, to round out the bunch nicely...these things take time.

My "vegetarian that still eats fish" diet is coming along most splendidly. I'm down 28 pounds. When I tell most people that I'm 28 pounds lighter, they say "Really? Where?" Bastards.
But, nevertheless the scale doesn't lie, well unless I "make" it lie.
I feel loads better and am happy at the lifestyle change.

I still don't understand how some people can eat yellow mustard. It might be the most revolting thing on this planet. Wait no, the planet isn't big enough. I hate it. Die.

I'm sure there are a bunch of other things, however I'm getting sleepy so...
I hardly ever get a chance to just rest, so guess what I'm going to do today? You're so smart.

Love ya...

Ta Ta

Healthcare with Some Poo and a Broken Hip

I hate the color yellow...
Idk why but yellow is just a dumb color...
But I do have a Spongebob t-shirt that I just can't part with...don't judge me.

Today is Tuesday and not much has happened... I watched an old lady slip in my dog's poo earlier.
It was a bit funny but what if she had like fell and broken her hip and slowly drowned from internal bleeding? Not cool.

I'm not quite sure how I feel about Obama's healthcare reform just yet...we'll see how it turns out.
I don't understand why people are flipping out now, he TOLD us that this was what he wanted to do...and we elected him...so why are people surprised that he's actually doing something that he SAID he was going to do? Smh...

On another note, Obama is probably great in the sack...

I Want to Be a Sexy Pre-Cog like my Lesbian Lover!

So today I think I'll sit in the mall and dish out "random" advice to strangers!

Do you remember the movie Minority Report? Well, Samantha Morton, whom I have an uncomfortable crush on, plays the PreCog Agatha. There was a scene in this movie where her and Tom Cruise are running through a mall and she's giving random strangers advice...like "don't go home, he knows"!

I thought this was sooooo awesome and so I have decided to replicate this scene in real life.

I'm wondering how long it will take before I get arrested thrown out.

I figure I can say things that aren't lewd but still funny...like:

~ "That down pillow is why your nose runs every morning."

~ "She likes it when you flick your tongue."

~ "You actually wear a size 9 shoe, not 7."
~ " Go see your mom, trust me."
Wouldn't this be awesome? I think I'll choke on spit while pissing my pants with laughter before I get thrown out tho.
I'll let you know how it goes.

The Cheater, The B*tch, and the Lost Beach Boy

Sometimes I have to stop myself from talking to people like everyone is an idiot except me! haha
It's really not funny at all, because I have this personality disorder attitude problem and I kind of sound condescending when I speak to people sometimes...yeah I should probably stop... I know people aren't morons...wait... right?? Well...eh...either way I shouldn't be a bitch to everybody because I wouldn't want to be treated that way. So today I will control my anger even though most assholes people deserve it!

So In Other News::

! Tiger Woods has a love child huh? With his affinity towards white chicks women that don't mind being home wreckers, I'd say he's well on his way to having his wife pour hot grits on his ass in the middle of the night.
! Day 16 of NO flesh MEAT and the worst part is not the temptation, its the jerks that offer their opinions every time I say "nope, no meat for me"...like dude, did I ask you to comment on MY life choices?!?!
prick...
! So I've starting watching the tv series LOST on DVD and I'm up to season 2...Can I just say that I KNOW I'm late but stfu. Sawyer...is...HOT...I'll bounce his bastard children out right now! The man has DIMPLES...I mean DAMN, they don't make men like that anymore... fuck...
! I wish I had a workout partner, this way I can have someone to motivate me to ya know...workout.
its better to do those kinds of things together, this way I can minimize my lazy nonproductive days.
! I want some Cotton Candy Stone Cold ice cream...Hmmmm...How am I going to get it though, since I'm at work? *thinking*

in the meantime...talk amongst yourselves...!

The Life of A Mom...Poop In The Fingernails!!

This is my baby Quishu...He is bad as all hell!! But he's my booboo so I mean, what'reyagonnado??
So recently he took his bad ass into the kitchen and turned the garbage over and ate what was left of a popcorn dinner that I had recently... (Don't judge me!)
Needless to say he was beyond backed up, he was at that stage of constipation where you sit in the friggin corner and whimper, or growl at the foreign object formally known as your right paw!
So I couldn't take it anymore, I had to save my baby boy...I knew what it was because all of the online sites pointed to extreme constipation (and I didn't REALLY feel like paying the $196 vet fee...bastards...)...so I thought to myself maybe I should give him a puppy laxative...or (what the pet sites that I cruise occasionally refer to as) mineral oil.
...2 days later still NO POOP... So I had to do something I couldn't stand to see him squirming around!
Ok now don't hate me, I would never do anything to hurt my poor baby...but what's a mom to do????? The vet I talked to on the phone said to use a turkey baster, (yeah like I have those lying around...judgemental beeyotch!)...so I said can I just use a straw or something?...no answer...I could feel her rolling her damn eyes too...ugh!!
She said "if you bring him into the office we can try to break down the blockage", I said "so why cant I do that myself, for free?"...she said "Um, well you can try"...this fucker is aggravating me now.
I put her on speaker and took Quishu outside on the deck and tried not to vomit...
She wanted me to put my damn finger in my baby's bum!!! WTF?!?!?!?! I wanted to chew off the side of this lady's face!! But.....he was suffering...and screaming...and lets just say that he couldn't sit down for 2 days...BUT................I DID IT!!!!! And he made poo...
He is feeling loads better already...he's back to running around like a psycho and jumping into my arms with a plate of food in my lap...and then mommy has to spend her movie-night cleaning spaghetti off of his bum...awesome!
But whats best for the baby is all that matters, no matter that every time I see him poop I have convulsions and silently die inside...cause eeeew!
But yeah, so that's my tragedy...yes...I know!
____________________________

Side Note:
Am I the only one whose piss switches directions midstream??....Soooo aggravating... :-x

10 Things To Do With a Severed Thumb

....because.......why not?

1: Give someone a wet willy...or my favorite...a wet Jessica.. :-)
2: Pick your nose while spinning in a circle!
3: Chuck it at a former president who "just doesn't give a shit"!
4: Slice it open, stuff it with catnip and tie a string to it. (Kitty toy)
5: Slip it in the pedicure tub at the nail salon!
6: Try to return it at Walmart...
7: Give to your waitress as a tip. (Make sure to include a wink after!)
8: Tape it to the windshield wiper of a strangers car.
9: Add bananas, blend it up and make baby food! Protein...yummm!
10: Talk to it while you sit in traffic!

Am I missing anything...?

Sausage Boobs

I was thinking about boobs earlier...and what it would feel like to have none. I see a lot of boobs...well not a lot...but you know. When I'm talking to people they glance down at the girls like every 11th word, others just stare and block out my mouth moving at all!
So for the next 2 days I'll just stare and drool at every male package I see, it's my way of returning the favor. Bastards!
Now if I didn't have huge breasts my life would probably be different. I wouldn't have half as much free shit, and sex would be that much more boring.
I enjoy the compliments and the attention, but it would be nice if i didn't have to try on like 4 blouses at a time to find the one that fits well enough in the boob area. I don't want to wear anything that pops open and takes an eye out...hmmm...that would be funny!
Man, I can wait to get out of this friggin' suit...my boobs are suffocating.
I now know what a sausage feels like... :-(

I Guess I'll Be a Horny Toad for Halloween

I'm sitting here trying to think of ANYTHING to get my mind off of the fact that I'm so HORNY I'd wink at a goat right now! I think there's something wrong with me, I'm like a guy. Men think about sex about every 42 seconds, no bullshit!?!? I promise you, I'm up to like at least every 11 minutes or so. It's a lot longer interval when I've either just had sex or have had sex in the last 24 hours. I literally could have sex like three times a day without ever flinching...some days more, some less.
I'm like that distracted dog in the movie "UP"...the one who says "SQUIRREL" in the middle of his conversations! If it's not a boob popping out of a lady's shirt to remind me of his tongue around my nipples, it's a sexy guy that smiles at me in the grocery store. I'm like an animal, with big old balls that need to be released.
Maybe I have a hormonal imbalance? Or maybe I was born a hermaphrodite and I still have tons of testosterone? Doctors think I'm a lunatic, they say I'm fine, they say my sex drive is just abnormally ridiculously high..I say...F*CK YOU...!!
Happy Halloween...

Nipps are Good! As in Nippy Weather, Not Nipples...You Pervs!

So it's getting kind of chilly outside, and I for one love the NIPPY weather!
There's the snuggle factor and the hot cocoa and nice sexy boots....but Winter here is nothing like winter in NY! The NY attitude is even worse in bad weather, damn fools already don't have manners (myself included), add bad weather to that and you get well, you get misdemeanors and felonies...Ha!
Now, don't smack me in the head with a sledge hammer, but I'm just getting into the show LOST after being about 5 years too late...I got sick of my friends calling me a loser so...better late than never..!
I kind of feel like that's how my life is, like brilliantly cast episodes of strange happenings and disasters masked by what appears to be luck that is really just fate played out in an overwhelming jungle! Yep, live in my world!
Do I smell bacon?
Speaking of nippy weather, this bra totally is not worth the $58 I paid for it, ....bastard!
Life would be so much simpler to me if I was like a normal C cup, or even a big B...!
Are there any breast men left in the world?!?! I don't have much of a round, juicy plump booty...but I am blessed in the sexy, smooth, milky tit area...I am now back down to a DD as opposed to the E I was earlier in the year......hahaha...dont hate bitches!!
OK I'm bored now...time for some bacon!

Ooooh La La!!!

I woke up today and decided to weigh myself, because I haven't seen a change in like a week. My clothes are bigger but I just don't "feel" smaller...(women and their feelings huh?)...!
When it said I was 11 pounds lighter, I figured I must be standing on it wrong, so I got on and off like 12 times! But, tis true...so suck on this *bitches*...wait, no profanity on Sundays...but just know that I love my body, no matter what! So Hmph!
In other news, I'm like addicted to these new shows FlashForward...Glee...Vampire Diaries...
I'm a big TV/Movie buff so I love sitting around talking to my people about all of it...
I'm Pisces so any way that I can escape "real" life...trust me, I will!
Now Flash, doesn't have really like a "Hot" guy that I can attach myself to in my imagination, but the story is strong.
Vamp D's, has Paul Wesley *swoon*, sweet lord in heaven I want this man to just have his way with me...*clears throat* ahem... its Sunday...OK...
Now Glee, is the work of a genius, now that I think about it, I'm surprised it hasn't been done before...Hmmm
OK now see, I HATE musicals, like within the depths of me I hate them...but the fact that they're singing songs that I listen to is awesome...and having been in quite a few choirs, I can relate...!
Its like watching a show with more than enough humor and drama to keep me entertained, and then having a concert in my living room too!
Love it!
OK, done blabbing...as you were...

Texts and Giggles

My ex called all upset like "why didn't you return my text", I was pissed off with him so I said..."Well I was pausing for dramatic effect"...he said "for two fucking weeks??!?!?"
...I said "dude, really? aren't you married now?"....he shut the hell up then!
I said "hold my balls for one second"...he said "what?"... I said, "hold on for one second"...silently giggling to myself!
Just thought I'd share...lol
I have to go...do something...lol I really just don't feel like typing anymore...lol

You smell like Gross-Ness!

My dog just farted and it smells like curry shrimp...Eww

I have a pretty bad backache, and i'm tired but i cant seem to fall asleep...sooooo here i am...ooooh lucky you huh?

I could clean up my living room, it got destroyed in a losing battle with a moth/butterfly/alien that tried to move in...smh...nope...sorry if you want to live here you have to either have a job or be a stripper on the side or something...im not even joking!

ok im bored with you now...go way!

Pissy...

Today had better be awesome, im not joking!

I need today to be a great day...please...