Patriotic Eggs and The Pipe Layer...

I was craving scrambled eggs all day today, so I rushed home to cook them...is that weird?

eh...doesn't matter...they were awesome.

One of my exes told me that it was all in the whipping of the egg. He said I shouldn't stop scrambling until I was pouring directly into the pan...as nicely as he was laying it down...I didn't care what he was talking about...I just smiled and agreed.

His head game was also ridiculous...(Mommy, stop reading)...which means he pretty much got away with more than I would normally allow.

Yes I say allow because I'm not the one to really settle for something less than what I give, which is a lot.

Isn't it funny how sex controls us sometimes? How much we tolerate is directly related to how great the sex in the relationship is. Smh. Does that make us all simple twits, or lust-thriving freaks? Well its better than what some foreign alliance leaders call us.

btw-Like America, most of the people that you think love/wanna be you...Don't!

Burn Slowly in the Rotten Pits of Hell...

I'm in a bad mood today so I will be making a list of all of the people and things that have made my life THAT much harder.........Fuckers!
I hate you...
(FYI this can NOT be construed as slander as I will only be stating my opinion)...So HA!!

OK sooooo the list is growing everyday!!

I HATE:
~ The lady whose voice I hear every time I check my balance!

~ The people who invented Root Beer...Not Cream Soda...Root Beer.

~ "Michael" from Lost.

~ Blue Balls...or whatever the term is for women!

~ Anybody named Hitch...cause that's just stupid!

~ The IT guy that I have to call every time I lose my signal...I'm not calling you because I want to "catch up on old times"...jerk...!

~ The lady in Staples that I asked where I could find a good mechanical pencil that scoffed at me because she "thought only math teachers used those"... ignorant bitch.

~ All of the people still saying "Happy New Year"...idk why...but it bugs the shit outta me!

~ The person that knocks on the door when I'm in the bathroom at work. When the door is locked, I'm pretty sure that means someone is in there.

~ Anyone who doesn't know what a "Hatori Hanso" sword is.

~ The color purple...the actual color, not the movie!

~ The bastards on this cruise brochure that still look all happy knowing damn well I have an attitude!

~ This loser at work that cut the label off of my Calvin Klein coat because he said it was too "showy!" He's lucky I didn't slit his damn tires!

~ My unpredictable urine stream. Yea you heard right, it switches up on me.

~ The people who continue to talk to me even though I tell them that "I'm in a bad mood!" Stop talking to me, I wont magically snap out of it because you're "awesome". Leave me the fuck alone!

~ The therapist that says I'm not social enough. Eat deez nuts sir!

~ My sexy ass boss' wife. Lucky bitch.

~ The fact that my Blackberry screen is not a touch screen and silently giggles at me every time I have to click the "trackball"! I'm living in the stone age.

I can feel the aggravation still festering in my chest...more to come!

Eating Beans Alone With NO Sex...!

Yo! OK so I haven't been in the Christmas spirit really because...I mean, I guess I just don't care too much about it this year. I don't have children so I don't have to put up a tree and decorate or buy a million gifts for the little punks to break or leave over some other lil rugrats house! So...eh...

Aaaaaaand moving on...

So, one of my friends is leaving her husband after 11 years of marriage. This sucks for a bunch of reasons:

1. She put all of these years into some guy and now has to start over. Its like a 5000 piece jigsaw puzzle that drops to the floor and splatters the moment you try to move it! Hell no! I'm not starting that shit over from the beginning... It's just a waste...

2. The double income disappears!! Stop acting like you all weren't thinking the same exact thing! I know what its like to lose that extra money that you've grown to take for granted used to. It's not cool at all! You'll have to eat beans and rice until you get accustomed to your new budget. Beans fucking suck, trust me!

3. Her ass is 11 years older than she was when she started dating the last time. Which means her tight ass and perky tits are now cottage cheese in a garbage bag and stretch marks racing each other across her boob! NOT HOT!! Its a shame...

4. She has kids by the loser guy! Which means they will be eating beans too they are now the victims of a broken home! smh

5. She'll be alone. Which she obviously doesn't mind because shes choosing to leave the guy rather than stay so...alone is probably looking really great to her right now!

OK, now I see some silver lining here...let me fill you in:

1. She can bang ANYONE she wants without getting caught worrying about hurting someone elses feelings!
Ha! Shiiii...that kind of freedom sounds good to me!

...Yeah, that's all I really can think of...

Good Luck Mamita!

No, you can NOT stay with me Lou....I love you...but Hell NO!

My walking around naked all the time might aggravate you after a few days anyway...

Touch Me, Tease Me.....Or Not!

Well I took a poll to ask readers what they would like me to blog about and SEX is the winner by like a landslide!!
Hmmm, lets see...what to discuss...how about likes and dislikes?

OK Likes/Quick ways to make my panties moist...(God I hope my mom isn't reading today...sorry Ma, I know its Sunday!):

*...slow, tender kisses
*...rubbing of the head...OK now this might present a problem because I now have a hair-piece in...like so many other women. So guys don't go rubbing on her bean until you get all of her beauty facts!
But my piece is coming out soon so, I love to have my head massaged...
*...I like it when he aims to please me...YEP...because I AIM to please...I LOVE to have him satisfied, it just feels so good to me.
*...blow me a kiss or motion a kiss from far away...I'll be squirming in my seat after a few of those.
*...sex toys...they just make the world better...lol
*...having sex in places where people might see...or we might get into trouble...ooooh yum!
*...uncircumcised penises...enough said!
*...manhandling...I like to be tossed around sometimes...maybe even a slap here and there...lol yes I know...with the wrong person, this can be a disaster...(I found that out the hard way....OK, moving on!)
*...sex in weird/erotic places: bathrooms, beaches, roof tops, the tops of car or trucks, parents/grandparents houses, malls, movie theaters, laundry rooms...etc...
*...CUNNILINGUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I'm doing the hula dance in my seat just thinking about it!)
*...his pleasure...This a big one...I won't get excited if I don't see that HE is excited!

Now, Dislikes/things that will never get you any of my Peach:
...body odor...I mean I LOVE giving head (ma if you're still reading, STOP right now!!)...yeah so...because I love giving head so much I have dealt with the musky, sweaty thing...but it's not optimal, and you or your balls shouldn't smell like you've been playing basketball in the desert!
...tongues in my ear...hell to the no...please, just don't!
...dirty hands and/or fingernails...because yuck sir!
...bad breath, FYI...this does NOT include that quickie in the morning before work!
...for you to stick anything inside my vagina that isn't a part of your body or a sex toy...this includes broom handles, pens, straws, popsicles, beer bottles, teething rings, or the like!
...ambivalence...because if you don't want to work for it, you wont get it! Period.
...bad teeth or smile, or hygiene...or dress...

Hmmmm, I'm sure there are a few more that Ive forgotten but we can add those in a bit later!
OK...........................talk amongst yourselves... :-)

Texts and Giggles

My ex called all upset like "why didn't you return my text", I was pissed off with him so I said..."Well I was pausing for dramatic effect"...he said "for two fucking weeks??!?!?"
...I said "dude, really? aren't you married now?"....he shut the hell up then!
I said "hold my balls for one second"...he said "what?"... I said, "hold on for one second"...silently giggling to myself!
Just thought I'd share...lol
I have to go...do something...lol I really just don't feel like typing anymore...lol

Huh?!?!?!

Ok, so im like an attractive woman so i understand that guys ya know want to like ravage me, its cool I totally get it...but dont say things like "Hey Ma, i would love to F*ck the Sh*t out of you!"
Fucking jerk..>! >:-( ...i hate men, you bastards should be dragged behind all red pick up trucks!
Ok so now im going to go and put snot on the back of every mans suit jacket...! Chill, its not like green or even yellow, its clear, so no biggie!
Rawrrrrr!!!
Ciao