I’m Pretty Sure I have Temper Problem…

Maybe I'm stressed? There are entirely too many times a day where I want to kick somebody's teeth in.

I'm so angry, I remember the last time I was this angry and the same things are happening…

I'm losing weight, and friends, and more hair comes out in the brush!?

Hmph, well it could be viewed as a nice diet I suppose, but do I really want to be miserable all day long? Life is too short to focus on the bad things that make you want to chuck a glass bottle at strangers that say things like "Smile, pretty girl"… >:-(

I just need one great thing to take my mind off of it, like a pint of Dulce de Leche ice cream, or a foot massage by some hot Asian dude that doesn't speak English, so I can say nasty, dirty things to him and he'll still smile at me.

Eh, on with the day I suppose… I'll try not to grimace at small children today.

Ciao

Patriotic Eggs and The Pipe Layer...

I was craving scrambled eggs all day today, so I rushed home to cook them...is that weird?

eh...doesn't matter...they were awesome.

One of my exes told me that it was all in the whipping of the egg. He said I shouldn't stop scrambling until I was pouring directly into the pan...as nicely as he was laying it down...I didn't care what he was talking about...I just smiled and agreed.

His head game was also ridiculous...(Mommy, stop reading)...which means he pretty much got away with more than I would normally allow.

Yes I say allow because I'm not the one to really settle for something less than what I give, which is a lot.

Isn't it funny how sex controls us sometimes? How much we tolerate is directly related to how great the sex in the relationship is. Smh. Does that make us all simple twits, or lust-thriving freaks? Well its better than what some foreign alliance leaders call us.

btw-Like America, most of the people that you think love/wanna be you...Don't!

I Hate Little Bitches and Their Jeans!!

(This is the conversation I had with myself after some teenager in Macy's proceeded to tell me what jeans might look good "in my size"....But then her superfine Boss told her she had so much to learn about what men want, he then promptly slid me his business card, and offered to buy me dinner.)

I have news for you home slice...
My ASS looks pretty damn awesome in a nice pair or even a not so nice pair of jeans.
Dumb bitches....they never surprise me...smh.
Is it possible for you to even have an ass if you're a size 0? Yea...No.
I know my big beautiful tits make your mouth water too. Do. Not. Disrespect. Me.

BlackBird - 1 Silly Bitch - 0

I Want to Be a Sexy Pre-Cog like my Lesbian Lover!

So today I think I'll sit in the mall and dish out "random" advice to strangers!

Do you remember the movie Minority Report? Well, Samantha Morton, whom I have an uncomfortable crush on, plays the PreCog Agatha. There was a scene in this movie where her and Tom Cruise are running through a mall and she's giving random strangers advice...like "don't go home, he knows"!

I thought this was sooooo awesome and so I have decided to replicate this scene in real life.

I'm wondering how long it will take before I get arrested thrown out.

I figure I can say things that aren't lewd but still funny...like:

~ "That down pillow is why your nose runs every morning."

~ "She likes it when you flick your tongue."

~ "You actually wear a size 9 shoe, not 7."
~ " Go see your mom, trust me."
Wouldn't this be awesome? I think I'll choke on spit while pissing my pants with laughter before I get thrown out tho.
I'll let you know how it goes.

Burn Slowly in the Rotten Pits of Hell...

I'm in a bad mood today so I will be making a list of all of the people and things that have made my life THAT much harder.........Fuckers!
I hate you...
(FYI this can NOT be construed as slander as I will only be stating my opinion)...So HA!!

OK sooooo the list is growing everyday!!

I HATE:
~ The lady whose voice I hear every time I check my balance!

~ The people who invented Root Beer...Not Cream Soda...Root Beer.

~ "Michael" from Lost.

~ Blue Balls...or whatever the term is for women!

~ Anybody named Hitch...cause that's just stupid!

~ The IT guy that I have to call every time I lose my signal...I'm not calling you because I want to "catch up on old times"...jerk...!

~ The lady in Staples that I asked where I could find a good mechanical pencil that scoffed at me because she "thought only math teachers used those"... ignorant bitch.

~ All of the people still saying "Happy New Year"...idk why...but it bugs the shit outta me!

~ The person that knocks on the door when I'm in the bathroom at work. When the door is locked, I'm pretty sure that means someone is in there.

~ Anyone who doesn't know what a "Hatori Hanso" sword is.

~ The color purple...the actual color, not the movie!

~ The bastards on this cruise brochure that still look all happy knowing damn well I have an attitude!

~ This loser at work that cut the label off of my Calvin Klein coat because he said it was too "showy!" He's lucky I didn't slit his damn tires!

~ My unpredictable urine stream. Yea you heard right, it switches up on me.

~ The people who continue to talk to me even though I tell them that "I'm in a bad mood!" Stop talking to me, I wont magically snap out of it because you're "awesome". Leave me the fuck alone!

~ The therapist that says I'm not social enough. Eat deez nuts sir!

~ My sexy ass boss' wife. Lucky bitch.

~ The fact that my Blackberry screen is not a touch screen and silently giggles at me every time I have to click the "trackball"! I'm living in the stone age.

I can feel the aggravation still festering in my chest...more to come!

Eating Beans Alone With NO Sex...!

Yo! OK so I haven't been in the Christmas spirit really because...I mean, I guess I just don't care too much about it this year. I don't have children so I don't have to put up a tree and decorate or buy a million gifts for the little punks to break or leave over some other lil rugrats house! So...eh...

Aaaaaaand moving on...

So, one of my friends is leaving her husband after 11 years of marriage. This sucks for a bunch of reasons:

1. She put all of these years into some guy and now has to start over. Its like a 5000 piece jigsaw puzzle that drops to the floor and splatters the moment you try to move it! Hell no! I'm not starting that shit over from the beginning... It's just a waste...

2. The double income disappears!! Stop acting like you all weren't thinking the same exact thing! I know what its like to lose that extra money that you've grown to take for granted used to. It's not cool at all! You'll have to eat beans and rice until you get accustomed to your new budget. Beans fucking suck, trust me!

3. Her ass is 11 years older than she was when she started dating the last time. Which means her tight ass and perky tits are now cottage cheese in a garbage bag and stretch marks racing each other across her boob! NOT HOT!! Its a shame...

4. She has kids by the loser guy! Which means they will be eating beans too they are now the victims of a broken home! smh

5. She'll be alone. Which she obviously doesn't mind because shes choosing to leave the guy rather than stay so...alone is probably looking really great to her right now!

OK, now I see some silver lining here...let me fill you in:

1. She can bang ANYONE she wants without getting caught worrying about hurting someone elses feelings!
Ha! Shiiii...that kind of freedom sounds good to me!

...Yeah, that's all I really can think of...

Good Luck Mamita!

No, you can NOT stay with me Lou....I love you...but Hell NO!

My walking around naked all the time might aggravate you after a few days anyway...

Sexy SpongeBob and The Vagina

Today was a stagnant day. Sex was on my brain before my feet even hit my bedroom floor...gotta love it?...........or not so much.
So I flipped on the tele and since I fell asleep with the TV on Nickelodeon, SpongeBob was on. Now I was half sleep, but is it me or is SpongeBob NOT for children?
Now before I say anything, I am a HUGE fan of SpongeBob. BUT, would I let my kids watch it? Um...probably not. They say things like "shut up", "stupid", and I may have even heard a "damn"!
OK, so after half watching and listening for about 10 minutes, I SWEAR I see one cartoon figure bent over another. Now I'm a horn dog, so more than likely I'm making this into something that its not! But kids nowadays know more about sex than they did years ago... So tell me this...

How the hell am I supposed to explain sex to my kids?

OK being a parent already scares the shit out of me because I've seen how parents seriously fuck up their kids. When your child comes to you and asks about sex and babies and crap like that, WTF are you supposed to tell them?
Depending on how old they are I'm sure you can totally get away with "Well honey, you can fill out an application and place an order with Santa and he'll put you on a list to receive a baby when one becomes available". But how about when they're like 11 and no longer buying any of the bullshit your selling? What then?
What if my little boy sees me getting out of the shower and asks "whats that?" while pointing at my vagina crawl space.
It's too scary!!  If I have a girl, I'm screwed. The whole menstruation thing makes me vomit in my mouth and slowly die inside every month as it is.
It's bullshit madness I tell ya!!
I see the "holistic" parents who never even fib to their children because they believe lying breeds lies. So when they're kids ask about penises they say things like "Well sweetie, men have these tools to enter into a woman's vagina and plant the seeds of life"! WTF!?!?!
I don't care what you do to your children but my 2 year olds aren't going to be talking about vaginas before nap time....fuck that!
You can ruin the little freaks before they even hit puberty.
Parenting is hard enough without all the damn questions you have to answer in the deli section of the supermarket.
* What is a nipple?
* Why are you and daddy so noisy at night?
* What does mommy mean?
* Can I pee right here?
* Do boogers have feelings?

I'm exhausted already...

The Cheater, The B*tch, and the Lost Beach Boy

Sometimes I have to stop myself from talking to people like everyone is an idiot except me! haha
It's really not funny at all, because I have this personality disorder attitude problem and I kind of sound condescending when I speak to people sometimes...yeah I should probably stop... I know people aren't morons...wait... right?? Well...eh...either way I shouldn't be a bitch to everybody because I wouldn't want to be treated that way. So today I will control my anger even though most assholes people deserve it!

So In Other News::

! Tiger Woods has a love child huh? With his affinity towards white chicks women that don't mind being home wreckers, I'd say he's well on his way to having his wife pour hot grits on his ass in the middle of the night.
! Day 16 of NO flesh MEAT and the worst part is not the temptation, its the jerks that offer their opinions every time I say "nope, no meat for me"...like dude, did I ask you to comment on MY life choices?!?!
prick...
! So I've starting watching the tv series LOST on DVD and I'm up to season 2...Can I just say that I KNOW I'm late but stfu. Sawyer...is...HOT...I'll bounce his bastard children out right now! The man has DIMPLES...I mean DAMN, they don't make men like that anymore... fuck...
! I wish I had a workout partner, this way I can have someone to motivate me to ya know...workout.
its better to do those kinds of things together, this way I can minimize my lazy nonproductive days.
! I want some Cotton Candy Stone Cold ice cream...Hmmmm...How am I going to get it though, since I'm at work? *thinking*

in the meantime...talk amongst yourselves...!

Disturbia...But Not in the Sexy, Rihanna Kind of Way...

OK so today is my sixth day without meat! And I must say it's a lot tougher than I thought it would be. Now granted, I forget almost all the time. I added bacon bits to my salad yesterday and took almost 2 bites before I remembered that I don't eat pork anymore. Loser.

And I ordered chicken wings from the Chinese restaurant before "someone" reminded me that I was "flesh free". Shit.

I can say that I'm getting more used to not having it and my stomach has abruptly ceased growling for the most part!

I find that I can eat 3 times as much "veggies" than before, and I love veggies so...so far so good!



Now lets move on to today's happenings...
My old friend, from my exotic dancing NYU days has come down to Atlanta for a job interview from NY. She said in very blunt words today that she basically "wants my life". I said what's so great about my life? Shit, you can have it! She said "I love the "way" you are, I see how you handle people and business and I'm envious!" So I told her that the way I do things may be different from how someone else might see it. I tried to get her to see that instead of adopting someone else's perspective maybe she should develop her own. I am all about doing things differently and being my own person, so if that's something that she admires, she could easily apply her OWN views and perspective to her OWN life!
This ignorant heffa told me that she would just rather "adopt MY perspective, since she already likes it so much"?!?!?!?

"I love how you talk to people and how understanding you are. And you always ask the right questions. You're like a tiger, cunning and intimidating".

You know, people are crazy... There are some real psychos out there!
I'm in the fucking Twilight Zone.

I Am Now a Pescetarian....It's a Vegetarian That Smells Like FISH!!

A Pescetarian is a Vegetarian that eats fish and seafood!...
Before I get the dirty looks from all the "real" vegetarians just remember....it's my life and my body so I can do whatever the hell I want to...so suck on these!

Ok so now...Why am I doing it? Lots of reasons...:

^ It's GREAT for my body!! After 27 years of burgers, steak, bacon and lamb...I'm guessing my body needs a break. No reason to rush into a heart attack right??
^ Im not really a "Save the Animals" kind of chick but, after watching some documentary and reading all about the torture and the electric baths...my stomach kind of turns a little bit now!
^ Ive read that 1 person cutting back on 2/3 of their share of meat can save lives and prevent global warming...took me a while to understand but its something like less meat means less dead carcasses and less energy being used to kill all of these animals...so less slaughter house energy means less pollution. Less pollution means less global warming...lol something like that!
^ I've read somewhere that humans arent supposed to eat meat anyway...either the bible or something about our intestines not being equipped to deal with the long digestion period of meat!

So pity congratulate me..!
There are TONS of resources about the transformation on the net...this is one of them!
Today is day 3...now I know that 3 isn't a big number...but remember Christmas is coming up and tough times lie ahead. I think I should be OK though...
Wish me luck... Do I smell bacon??
Shit...

Touch Me, Tease Me.....Or Not!

Well I took a poll to ask readers what they would like me to blog about and SEX is the winner by like a landslide!!
Hmmm, lets see...what to discuss...how about likes and dislikes?

OK Likes/Quick ways to make my panties moist...(God I hope my mom isn't reading today...sorry Ma, I know its Sunday!):

*...slow, tender kisses
*...rubbing of the head...OK now this might present a problem because I now have a hair-piece in...like so many other women. So guys don't go rubbing on her bean until you get all of her beauty facts!
But my piece is coming out soon so, I love to have my head massaged...
*...I like it when he aims to please me...YEP...because I AIM to please...I LOVE to have him satisfied, it just feels so good to me.
*...blow me a kiss or motion a kiss from far away...I'll be squirming in my seat after a few of those.
*...sex toys...they just make the world better...lol
*...having sex in places where people might see...or we might get into trouble...ooooh yum!
*...uncircumcised penises...enough said!
*...manhandling...I like to be tossed around sometimes...maybe even a slap here and there...lol yes I know...with the wrong person, this can be a disaster...(I found that out the hard way....OK, moving on!)
*...sex in weird/erotic places: bathrooms, beaches, roof tops, the tops of car or trucks, parents/grandparents houses, malls, movie theaters, laundry rooms...etc...
*...CUNNILINGUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I'm doing the hula dance in my seat just thinking about it!)
*...his pleasure...This a big one...I won't get excited if I don't see that HE is excited!

Now, Dislikes/things that will never get you any of my Peach:
...body odor...I mean I LOVE giving head (ma if you're still reading, STOP right now!!)...yeah so...because I love giving head so much I have dealt with the musky, sweaty thing...but it's not optimal, and you or your balls shouldn't smell like you've been playing basketball in the desert!
...tongues in my ear...hell to the no...please, just don't!
...dirty hands and/or fingernails...because yuck sir!
...bad breath, FYI...this does NOT include that quickie in the morning before work!
...for you to stick anything inside my vagina that isn't a part of your body or a sex toy...this includes broom handles, pens, straws, popsicles, beer bottles, teething rings, or the like!
...ambivalence...because if you don't want to work for it, you wont get it! Period.
...bad teeth or smile, or hygiene...or dress...

Hmmmm, I'm sure there are a few more that Ive forgotten but we can add those in a bit later!
OK...........................talk amongst yourselves... :-)

10 Things To Do With a Severed Thumb

....because.......why not?

1: Give someone a wet willy...or my favorite...a wet Jessica.. :-)
2: Pick your nose while spinning in a circle!
3: Chuck it at a former president who "just doesn't give a shit"!
4: Slice it open, stuff it with catnip and tie a string to it. (Kitty toy)
5: Slip it in the pedicure tub at the nail salon!
6: Try to return it at Walmart...
7: Give to your waitress as a tip. (Make sure to include a wink after!)
8: Tape it to the windshield wiper of a strangers car.
9: Add bananas, blend it up and make baby food! Protein...yummm!
10: Talk to it while you sit in traffic!

Am I missing anything...?

Sausage Boobs

I was thinking about boobs earlier...and what it would feel like to have none. I see a lot of boobs...well not a lot...but you know. When I'm talking to people they glance down at the girls like every 11th word, others just stare and block out my mouth moving at all!
So for the next 2 days I'll just stare and drool at every male package I see, it's my way of returning the favor. Bastards!
Now if I didn't have huge breasts my life would probably be different. I wouldn't have half as much free shit, and sex would be that much more boring.
I enjoy the compliments and the attention, but it would be nice if i didn't have to try on like 4 blouses at a time to find the one that fits well enough in the boob area. I don't want to wear anything that pops open and takes an eye out...hmmm...that would be funny!
Man, I can wait to get out of this friggin' suit...my boobs are suffocating.
I now know what a sausage feels like... :-(

20 Reasons I can't be Obama's Sidepiece.....Anymore...

Do you hear that? Yeah, thats my heart breaking...

1. My ego is just too big to deal with the fact that I can't like declare war and my boyfriend can!

2. He whistles the tune to Good Times in the friggin' shower.

3. The nail on the pinky toe of his left foot is all irrational and scary-looking.

4. He likes for Michelle to watch. The first time it's cool and kinky...but every Thursday?? C'mon!

5. Hilary will not stop fucking winking at me! I have no idea why, but it makes me think he's saying something about me!

6. He wears PAJAMAS, I mean....seriously? No matter what I say, he never sleeps in boxers, a wife beater or just a t-shirt. It's always silk, satin or flannel PJ's...tops and bottoms...that always MATCH!!

7. He sucks his fingers after eating. Argh! But only after meals that include chicken.

8. He says SPIC. Only when with friends and in private, but still.

9. Every time he hugs my Grandmother, he frowns a little.

10. He calls me the "nanny" when there are press releases on the grounds.

11. He has a garden that he tends to everyday at 4:17pm. It's cool, but just a little bit weird.

12. In private he speaks this weird language from Kenya, and every time I ask him about it, he just stares at me blankly.

13. Whenever we kiss our teeth clink together and it makes me want to bite his tongue off.

14. He doesn't have a cell phone!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When he should probably have like 11 of them!

15. He doesn't believe in cremation, he thinks the ashes will rebuild themselves like Terminator!

16. He doesn't eat anything yellow. Butternut squash, bananas, lemons, cake...nothing!

17. He makes me ask him for his autograph as foreplay.

18. He always drunk-dials the same Plumber in Minnesota. I have to snatch the phone every time and apologize to Earl and his wife Nancy.

19. He ate 6 live earthworms once.

20. He told me the other day: "I don't love you" and I said "What? Why not?"...he said "I don't know, I just can't, and I should be sorry, but I just can't!"

That....Fucker!

I Guess I'll Be a Horny Toad for Halloween

I'm sitting here trying to think of ANYTHING to get my mind off of the fact that I'm so HORNY I'd wink at a goat right now! I think there's something wrong with me, I'm like a guy. Men think about sex about every 42 seconds, no bullshit!?!? I promise you, I'm up to like at least every 11 minutes or so. It's a lot longer interval when I've either just had sex or have had sex in the last 24 hours. I literally could have sex like three times a day without ever flinching...some days more, some less.
I'm like that distracted dog in the movie "UP"...the one who says "SQUIRREL" in the middle of his conversations! If it's not a boob popping out of a lady's shirt to remind me of his tongue around my nipples, it's a sexy guy that smiles at me in the grocery store. I'm like an animal, with big old balls that need to be released.
Maybe I have a hormonal imbalance? Or maybe I was born a hermaphrodite and I still have tons of testosterone? Doctors think I'm a lunatic, they say I'm fine, they say my sex drive is just abnormally ridiculously high..I say...F*CK YOU...!!
Happy Halloween...

Why Give Up Being Single??

Ya know, It's a wonderful thing to be home alone...walking around all scraggly and smelling like tartar sauce! Being single has its benefits...like not having to shave every 2 days and farting out loud...

Why would I give this up?? No, really....

Oh wait damn! ...SEX...duh!

Don't...Make Me Get Up!?!

I am feeling like this right now!

I was just sitting on my deck sipping a glass of wine and 2 dudes are like talking really loudly and they know I'm sitting here...friggin' pricks...!

So because I'm an asshole, I say "Really? You're really talking this loud at 11pm on a Sunday night? Wow, I know you two don't have jobs!"

They looked at me like I was standing there butt naked eating a bar of soap...

One of em said "Excuse me?"....I said "Ju no speaka di Engleesh?, keep it down!!" I'm doing my neighbors a big favor, trust me!! W/e...RME!

PS...Yes! That IS my bra...stfu!

Kids SUCK!!! Yeah, I Said It!?!?!

So, I'm a little aggravated because I think people nowadays do NOT control their friggin' kids!
OK, so I'm not sensitive to the plights of parents because I don't actually have kids...well there goes my credibility...rme (rolling my eyes)...
All I'm saying is why are you letting your kids run around all "untamed"? If one of your rugrats bumps into me, YOU should say "Excuse me, I'm so sorry". But instead you look at me like I'm in the little bastards way?!?! UGH!
And they are ALWAYS effing sticky!! Yuck! They fart and puke and their coordination is almost always off...!
I don't give a shit if you assume people won't care because everyone is supposed to "know" how kids are and just accept it!! Yeah, Not me!!
When I was a child my mother would snatch me up with what black people refer to as "The Quickness"...She didn't tolerate me acting up and showing out and all the crazy shit that kids do now...I knew better, because I was taught better...!
I hope to have my children trained and well-mannered before the age of 5, having experienced first hand how pissed off people get when kids don't behave! I know as my mom always says "Kids will be Kids"...but damn...rude children grow into rude adults...!
Teach your damn kids some manners people! Argh!!
OK.... I feel tons better...
Hmmm, I think I'll make some homemade brownies??

Update: Having pinched a fat roll from my gut a second ago, my previous post of brownies will now be replaced with a stalk of dry-ass celery, lightly sprinkled with lemon juice... Smh

Ooooh La La!!!

I woke up today and decided to weigh myself, because I haven't seen a change in like a week. My clothes are bigger but I just don't "feel" smaller...(women and their feelings huh?)...!
When it said I was 11 pounds lighter, I figured I must be standing on it wrong, so I got on and off like 12 times! But, tis true...so suck on this *bitches*...wait, no profanity on Sundays...but just know that I love my body, no matter what! So Hmph!
In other news, I'm like addicted to these new shows FlashForward...Glee...Vampire Diaries...
I'm a big TV/Movie buff so I love sitting around talking to my people about all of it...
I'm Pisces so any way that I can escape "real" life...trust me, I will!
Now Flash, doesn't have really like a "Hot" guy that I can attach myself to in my imagination, but the story is strong.
Vamp D's, has Paul Wesley *swoon*, sweet lord in heaven I want this man to just have his way with me...*clears throat* ahem... its Sunday...OK...
Now Glee, is the work of a genius, now that I think about it, I'm surprised it hasn't been done before...Hmmm
OK now see, I HATE musicals, like within the depths of me I hate them...but the fact that they're singing songs that I listen to is awesome...and having been in quite a few choirs, I can relate...!
Its like watching a show with more than enough humor and drama to keep me entertained, and then having a concert in my living room too!
Love it!
OK, done blabbing...as you were...

Texts and Giggles

My ex called all upset like "why didn't you return my text", I was pissed off with him so I said..."Well I was pausing for dramatic effect"...he said "for two fucking weeks??!?!?"
...I said "dude, really? aren't you married now?"....he shut the hell up then!
I said "hold my balls for one second"...he said "what?"... I said, "hold on for one second"...silently giggling to myself!
Just thought I'd share...lol
I have to go...do something...lol I really just don't feel like typing anymore...lol