Saturday, October 31, 2009

I Guess I'll Be a Horny Toad for Halloween

I'm sitting here trying to think of ANYTHING to get my mind off of the fact that I'm so HORNY I'd wink at a goat right now! I think there's something wrong with me, I'm like a guy. Men think about sex about every 42 seconds, no bullshit!?!? I promise you, I'm up to like at least every 11 minutes or so. It's a lot longer interval when I've either just had sex or have had sex in the last 24 hours. I literally could have sex like three times a day without ever flinching...some days more, some less.
I'm like that distracted dog in the movie "UP"...the one who says "SQUIRREL" in the middle of his conversations! If it's not a boob popping out of a lady's shirt to remind me of his tongue around my nipples, it's a sexy guy that smiles at me in the grocery store. I'm like an animal, with big old balls that need to be released.
Maybe I have a hormonal imbalance? Or maybe I was born a hermaphrodite and I still have tons of testosterone? Doctors think I'm a lunatic, they say I'm fine, they say my sex drive is just abnormally ridiculously high..I say...F*CK YOU...!!
Happy Halloween...

Friday, October 30, 2009

Why Give Up Being Single??

Ya know, It's a wonderful thing to be home alone...walking around all scraggly and smelling like tartar sauce! Being single has its not having to shave every 2 days and farting out loud...
Why would I give this up?? No, really....

Oh wait damn! ...SEX...duh!

Ignoring People is Fun...Try it!

Today is Friday, whoopdeedamndoo...! I don't have the 9-5 kind of job so its not like its a weekend for me...yea yea yea OK so...
I have on this gorgeous royal blue satin shirt...yep..I look nice and sexy! Except for the fact that it's one of those like peasant type its like riding up my ass all the way to my bra strap!
It's hard to pull off sexy when you have to keep pulling and tugging on your clothes like a 2 year old. Ugh!
In other news, I went to a conference for work yesterday, and I love discussing my job and meeting new people and all of the good crap that negates the shit that makes you want to say "f*ck dis job" on a bad day...but I was seated at a table with strangers and the women kept looking at me (one of them was a smoking hot BIG GIRL)...I thought maybe I had like a slippery snot boogie in my nose or something!

One of the guys pointed out to me "those women have been staring at you for a while now"...I'm like well I haven't slept with anybody's husband or cursed anyone out yet so...I could care less...let em stare...I look awesome today anyway...he laughs...
A few hours later, one of the ladies approaches me out in the hall after a meeting break and says "my friend and I so enjoyed your input and comments, you're so funny..." ...I'm thinking WTF??
We went on to talk about work and our jobs and where we wanted to go within the company and I found it very refreshing...women don't usually genuinely want to appreciate each other...especially BLACK women...and that's very unfortunate...because I always find myself complimenting women on whatever I think looks appealing about their appearance...
It's nice to see that I'm not alone in that regard...*smile*
People usually don't surprise me so, it was weird at first! I don't really do that well with strangers (except for work, because its my job to engage weird people and talk to them about things that I wouldn't out in the real world)...but its different when I'm not at work...I've mastered the art of ignoring people...typical NY'er...yea whatever, suck on these!

OK, so, yeah...enjoy the weekend!

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Don't...Make Me Get Up!?!

I am feeling like this right now!
I was just sitting on my deck sipping a glass of wine and 2 dudes are like talking really loudly and they know I'm sitting here...friggin' pricks...!
So because I'm an asshole, I say "Really? You're really talking this loud at 11pm on a Sunday night? Wow, I know you two don't have jobs!"
They looked at me like I was standing there butt naked eating a bar of soap...
One of em said "Excuse me?"....I said "Ju no speaka di Engleesh?, keep it down!!" I'm doing my neighbors a big favor, trust me!! W/e...RME!

PS...Yes! That IS my bra...stfu!

Kids SUCK!!! Yeah, I Said It!?!?!

So, I'm a little aggravated because I think people nowadays do NOT control their friggin' kids!
OK, so I'm not sensitive to the plights of parents because I don't actually have kids...well there goes my credibility...rme (rolling my eyes)...
All I'm saying is why are you letting your kids run around all "untamed"? If one of your rugrats bumps into me, YOU should say "Excuse me, I'm so sorry". But instead you look at me like I'm in the little bastards way?!?! UGH!
And they are ALWAYS effing sticky!! Yuck! They fart and puke and their coordination is almost always off...!
I don't give a shit if you assume people won't care because everyone is supposed to "know" how kids are and just accept it!! Yeah, Not me!!
When I was a child my mother would snatch me up with what black people refer to as "The Quickness"...She didn't tolerate me acting up and showing out and all the crazy shit that kids do now...I knew better, because I was taught better...!
I hope to have my children trained and well-mannered before the age of 5, having experienced first hand how pissed off people get when kids don't behave! I know as my mom always says "Kids will be Kids"...but damn...rude children grow into rude adults...!
Teach your damn kids some manners people! Argh!!
OK.... I feel tons better...
Hmmm, I think I'll make some homemade brownies??

Update: Having pinched a fat roll from my gut a second ago, my previous post of brownies will now be replaced with a stalk of dry-ass celery, lightly sprinkled with lemon juice... Smh