I Hate Little Bitches and Their Jeans!!

(This is the conversation I had with myself after some teenager in Macy's proceeded to tell me what jeans might look good "in my size"....But then her superfine Boss told her she had so much to learn about what men want, he then promptly slid me his business card, and offered to buy me dinner.)

I have news for you home slice...
My ASS looks pretty damn awesome in a nice pair or even a not so nice pair of jeans.
Dumb bitches....they never surprise me...smh.
Is it possible for you to even have an ass if you're a size 0? Yea...No.
I know my big beautiful tits make your mouth water too. Do. Not. Disrespect. Me.

BlackBird - 1 Silly Bitch - 0

If You Don't Know, You're A DumbAss and You Need To Learn!

I have a couple of new things happening right now. I'm deciding whether to buy a house or a condo. This might be easy for some people but for me, it is not...I am horrible at making decisions, it takes me too long and I tend to get very aggravated and say the hell with it.
But I really should just get over that shit really quickly because I mean dude, the market is only going to get better. I am the queen of deals...I LOVE getting awesome stuff for like pennies! It just makes me feel like I've gotten the most for my money ya know?

Random-Thought: I love me some pineapple!! Wooo!
Ok...
So I've asked around and people have given me a lot of suggestions but how do I know that these people aren't like child molesters or if they're hiding dead bodies in their basements?? I already don't trust people and now little ole me is trying to attain property for the best deal without having to give anybody head or a slow hand job. The deals I've seen are a little too awesome for my skeptical ass to appreciate. I understand the system a little bit better after asking one of my friends 156 million questions, that only spawned more questions...but he understands. Thanx Kev!! He wants everyone to get a great a deal as his...which I won't mention because I'm sure the FBI is crawling the net and his deal was sooo awesome I don't want to put him or his broker in jeopardy! I got your back Kev!!

So here is what I have so far...
Houses are a better fit for me because I love my space. I get kind of crazy with the Pavarotti blasting at 2am and I love to paint and recreate the space for myself, but that will be almost impossible with associations keeping me down...

Condos are great in the fact that I don't have to do shit! If anything breaks I can pretty much just call a sexy stripper turned plumber to come a "service" me.
But I will have to smell other people's cooking and nasty smells and stuff ew!
I may even have to fight for parking. Grrrrr.
Eh, I'm leaning toward the home but now don't laugh...I want to be able to take a dip in the pool. I know it's stupid, but condos come with fitness centers and pools. So I'm moping around about the fact that if I get a home I won't get a pool, and Kev (my home buying guru) says that I can get a personal pool for under $400!!
Problem Solved.
Until I learn more about this shit and then end up clueless again.
Until then...

Why Don't I Have Enough Money to Travel??

Every now and then I get this urge to flee...call it anxiety...call it boredom...call it a need to see something different, who knows?

I've been planning a trip to Greece since like 2007, but I'm lazy and procrastination is like my only talent. But I'm realizing that I have zero funds available to take a random trip around the world. Oh and I'm single so that's another reason...I don't have that AWESOME double income thing poppin'. So naturally I tried to explore the reasons why I have no travel money. I came across a few things...

* I buy something for my house twice a week, whether it be a throw rug, or curtains, or a new mop...I simply am addicted to the housewares department of Target/Ikea/Pier 1/Home Depot...yes I said Home friggin Depot! I like to switch up bedroom color schemes and I like pillows....don't judge me!

* I lend people money...that I hardly EVER get back...and I'm too nice to hound people...like the mafia...who ALWAYS gets paid btw... Ever have a conversation with someone that owes you money? It's weird and uncomfortable...because every word they say you're like...stfu...and pay me...damn! Or......maybe that's just me.

* My truck EATS and SWALLOWS gas...probably only because I have a lead foot and hate hitting the brakes. I have some little driving tips that help to save gas, but none of them actually include slowing the fuck down!

* I pay for my moms EVERYTHING, because shes my only one and I think she deserves to be well taken care of (I mean she took care of me, and still sometimes does!).


* I buy whatever the hell I fell like buying, whenever I have the money...yea...I suck at saving... I mean, I try really hard sometimes...and I even get really great at it...but the "voices"...They speak to me and say things like... "Dude, you can totally fit that 9, buy it now or be a loser" or "It has to be divine intervention for your ass to look this awesome in those jeans"!

* I buy something every time I feel badly in order to make myself feel better...I know that millions of women do this...hmmm but those women are either married to men with money or they're also bad at saving.

* I eat out alot!! Like waaaay too much... which is probably why my ass looks like cottage cheese in a garbage bag...smh....bastard!

I always say that I'm gonna start saving more, but then...NYET! So maybe I should set aside like $20 dollars every check...hahaaaaaaa! Wait, isnt that called a 401K??
...MotherFugger!

Update: I was headed to the mall to "look around"...BUT I stopped myself...but then still bought a book on Amazon...shit...