Saturday, November 7, 2009

10 Things To Do With a Severed Thumb

....because.......why not?

1: Give someone a wet willy...or my favorite...a wet Jessica.. :-)
2: Pick your nose while spinning in a circle!
3: Chuck it at a former president who "just doesn't give a shit"!
4: Slice it open, stuff it with catnip and tie a string to it. (Kitty toy)
5: Slip it in the pedicure tub at the nail salon!
6: Try to return it at Walmart...
7: Give to your waitress as a tip. (Make sure to include a wink after!)
8: Tape it to the windshield wiper of a strangers car.
9: Add bananas, blend it up and make baby food! Protein...yummm!
10: Talk to it while you sit in traffic!

Am I missing anything...?

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Sausage Boobs

I was thinking about boobs earlier...and what it would feel like to have none. I see a lot of boobs...well not a lot...but you know. When I'm talking to people they glance down at the girls like every 11th word, others just stare and block out my mouth moving at all!
So for the next 2 days I'll just stare and drool at every male package I see, it's my way of returning the favor. Bastards!
Now if I didn't have huge breasts my life would probably be different. I wouldn't have half as much free shit, and sex would be that much more boring.
I enjoy the compliments and the attention, but it would be nice if i didn't have to try on like 4 blouses at a time to find the one that fits well enough in the boob area. I don't want to wear anything that pops open and takes an eye out...hmmm...that would be funny!
Man, I can wait to get out of this friggin' boobs are suffocating.
I now know what a sausage feels like... :-(

Sunday, November 1, 2009

20 Reasons I can't be Obama's Sidepiece.....Anymore...

Do you hear that? Yeah, thats my heart breaking...

1. My ego is just too big to deal with the fact that I can't like declare war and my boyfriend can!

2. He whistles the tune to Good Times in the friggin' shower.

3. The nail on the pinky toe of his left foot is all irrational and scary-looking.

4. He likes for Michelle to watch. The first time it's cool and kinky...but every Thursday?? C'mon!

5. Hilary will not stop fucking winking at me! I have no idea why, but it makes me think he's saying something about me!

6. He wears PAJAMAS, I mean....seriously? No matter what I say, he never sleeps in boxers, a wife beater or just a t-shirt. It's always silk, satin or flannel PJ's...tops and bottoms...that always MATCH!!

7. He sucks his fingers after eating. Argh! But only after meals that include chicken.

8. He says SPIC. Only when with friends and in private, but still.

9. Every time he hugs my Grandmother, he frowns a little.

10. He calls me the "nanny" when there are press releases on the grounds.

11. He has a garden that he tends to everyday at 4:17pm. It's cool, but just a little bit weird.

12. In private he speaks this weird language from Kenya, and every time I ask him about it, he just stares at me blankly.

13. Whenever we kiss our teeth clink together and it makes me want to bite his tongue off.

14. He doesn't have a cell phone!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When he should probably have like 11 of them!

15. He doesn't believe in cremation, he thinks the ashes will rebuild themselves like Terminator!

16. He doesn't eat anything yellow. Butternut squash, bananas, lemons, cake...nothing!

17. He makes me ask him for his autograph as foreplay.

18. He always drunk-dials the same Plumber in Minnesota. I have to snatch the phone every time and apologize to Earl and his wife Nancy.

19. He ate 6 live earthworms once.

20. He told me the other day: "I don't love you" and I said "What? Why not?"...he said "I don't know, I just can't, and I should be sorry, but I just can't!"