I’m Pretty Sure I have Temper Problem…

Maybe I'm stressed? There are entirely too many times a day where I want to kick somebody's teeth in.

I'm so angry, I remember the last time I was this angry and the same things are happening…

I'm losing weight, and friends, and more hair comes out in the brush!?

Hmph, well it could be viewed as a nice diet I suppose, but do I really want to be miserable all day long? Life is too short to focus on the bad things that make you want to chuck a glass bottle at strangers that say things like "Smile, pretty girl"… >:-(

I just need one great thing to take my mind off of it, like a pint of Dulce de Leche ice cream, or a foot massage by some hot Asian dude that doesn't speak English, so I can say nasty, dirty things to him and he'll still smile at me.

Eh, on with the day I suppose… I'll try not to grimace at small children today.

Ciao

Miss Me?? ....... Stop Lyin'!!

I haven't blogged in a good while.
I've been busy in the world, if you will. Nope, I'm not that important, but it does sound like I am right?
I'd love to get into a nice groove of blogging a few times a week if I can, but I'm a Pisces, so with me you never really know.
I've missed this, really.
A chance to just let go and complain without feeling guilty about perpetuating negativity.
OK, fantastic, so....whats been happening? Well...

My top 10 lesbian lovers list is almost complete, I'm up to about nine and I'm giving the last one a bit more thought, to round out the bunch nicely...these things take time.

My "vegetarian that still eats fish" diet is coming along most splendidly. I'm down 28 pounds. When I tell most people that I'm 28 pounds lighter, they say "Really? Where?" Bastards.
But, nevertheless the scale doesn't lie, well unless I "make" it lie.
I feel loads better and am happy at the lifestyle change.

I still don't understand how some people can eat yellow mustard. It might be the most revolting thing on this planet. Wait no, the planet isn't big enough. I hate it. Die.

I'm sure there are a bunch of other things, however I'm getting sleepy so...
I hardly ever get a chance to just rest, so guess what I'm going to do today? You're so smart.

Love ya...

Ta Ta

Healthcare with Some Poo and a Broken Hip

I hate the color yellow...
Idk why but yellow is just a dumb color...
But I do have a Spongebob t-shirt that I just can't part with...don't judge me.

Today is Tuesday and not much has happened... I watched an old lady slip in my dog's poo earlier.
It was a bit funny but what if she had like fell and broken her hip and slowly drowned from internal bleeding? Not cool.

I'm not quite sure how I feel about Obama's healthcare reform just yet...we'll see how it turns out.
I don't understand why people are flipping out now, he TOLD us that this was what he wanted to do...and we elected him...so why are people surprised that he's actually doing something that he SAID he was going to do? Smh...

On another note, Obama is probably great in the sack...

I Can't Believe You Did This!?! Wait, Yes I Can, Because You're A Dick!

I got kicked in the gut today...



Identity theft that I thought was resolved two years ago....hasn't been.

Some dude named Glen Nimakoecheng or some shit...stole my damn identity and is now fucking up my chance slowing down the process of me buying a house! Bastard.



So, every person that I see today who looks like his fucking name is Glen, I'm going to flip him the bird and spit on his shoes!



I'll update later if I don't get arrested.

It's shit like this that makes me want to put bleach in some ladies water bottle at the gym.

FYI: Anger management classes don't fucking work.

Oh, Maybe you Didn't Get the Memo...I'm the Shit!

He says "I love how you just walk around like you own this motherfucker"....
I said..."Oh, you must be new..."
He says "Well, now we know each other so you can speak and not ignore me when you see me staring at you."
I said..."Oh no, I will still ignore you, because you're not important to me." (smiling...)
He says "Not yet anyway"
I said..."Wow, you've got a big pair of balls....dont cha'?"
He says "You can try all you want to scare me off, it's not working...so just let it go."
I said..."You may not be scared now, but you will be...I assure you!"
He says "Try me if you want to...And I'll have your ass twisted. You better watch it."
I said..."Hmmm is that right? (raising one eyebrow like "The Rock"."
Giggling to myself...

I Hate Little Bitches and Their Jeans!!

(This is the conversation I had with myself after some teenager in Macy's proceeded to tell me what jeans might look good "in my size"....But then her superfine Boss told her she had so much to learn about what men want, he then promptly slid me his business card, and offered to buy me dinner.)

I have news for you home slice...
My ASS looks pretty damn awesome in a nice pair or even a not so nice pair of jeans.
Dumb bitches....they never surprise me...smh.
Is it possible for you to even have an ass if you're a size 0? Yea...No.
I know my big beautiful tits make your mouth water too. Do. Not. Disrespect. Me.

BlackBird - 1 Silly Bitch - 0

I Want to Be a Sexy Pre-Cog like my Lesbian Lover!

So today I think I'll sit in the mall and dish out "random" advice to strangers!

Do you remember the movie Minority Report? Well, Samantha Morton, whom I have an uncomfortable crush on, plays the PreCog Agatha. There was a scene in this movie where her and Tom Cruise are running through a mall and she's giving random strangers advice...like "don't go home, he knows"!

I thought this was sooooo awesome and so I have decided to replicate this scene in real life.

I'm wondering how long it will take before I get arrested thrown out.

I figure I can say things that aren't lewd but still funny...like:

~ "That down pillow is why your nose runs every morning."

~ "She likes it when you flick your tongue."

~ "You actually wear a size 9 shoe, not 7."
~ " Go see your mom, trust me."
Wouldn't this be awesome? I think I'll choke on spit while pissing my pants with laughter before I get thrown out tho.
I'll let you know how it goes.

If You Don't Know, You're A DumbAss and You Need To Learn!

I have a couple of new things happening right now. I'm deciding whether to buy a house or a condo. This might be easy for some people but for me, it is not...I am horrible at making decisions, it takes me too long and I tend to get very aggravated and say the hell with it.
But I really should just get over that shit really quickly because I mean dude, the market is only going to get better. I am the queen of deals...I LOVE getting awesome stuff for like pennies! It just makes me feel like I've gotten the most for my money ya know?

Random-Thought: I love me some pineapple!! Wooo!
Ok...
So I've asked around and people have given me a lot of suggestions but how do I know that these people aren't like child molesters or if they're hiding dead bodies in their basements?? I already don't trust people and now little ole me is trying to attain property for the best deal without having to give anybody head or a slow hand job. The deals I've seen are a little too awesome for my skeptical ass to appreciate. I understand the system a little bit better after asking one of my friends 156 million questions, that only spawned more questions...but he understands. Thanx Kev!! He wants everyone to get a great a deal as his...which I won't mention because I'm sure the FBI is crawling the net and his deal was sooo awesome I don't want to put him or his broker in jeopardy! I got your back Kev!!

So here is what I have so far...
Houses are a better fit for me because I love my space. I get kind of crazy with the Pavarotti blasting at 2am and I love to paint and recreate the space for myself, but that will be almost impossible with associations keeping me down...

Condos are great in the fact that I don't have to do shit! If anything breaks I can pretty much just call a sexy stripper turned plumber to come a "service" me.
But I will have to smell other people's cooking and nasty smells and stuff ew!
I may even have to fight for parking. Grrrrr.
Eh, I'm leaning toward the home but now don't laugh...I want to be able to take a dip in the pool. I know it's stupid, but condos come with fitness centers and pools. So I'm moping around about the fact that if I get a home I won't get a pool, and Kev (my home buying guru) says that I can get a personal pool for under $400!!
Problem Solved.
Until I learn more about this shit and then end up clueless again.
Until then...

Burn Slowly in the Rotten Pits of Hell...

I'm in a bad mood today so I will be making a list of all of the people and things that have made my life THAT much harder.........Fuckers!
I hate you...
(FYI this can NOT be construed as slander as I will only be stating my opinion)...So HA!!

OK sooooo the list is growing everyday!!

I HATE:
~ The lady whose voice I hear every time I check my balance!

~ The people who invented Root Beer...Not Cream Soda...Root Beer.

~ "Michael" from Lost.

~ Blue Balls...or whatever the term is for women!

~ Anybody named Hitch...cause that's just stupid!

~ The IT guy that I have to call every time I lose my signal...I'm not calling you because I want to "catch up on old times"...jerk...!

~ The lady in Staples that I asked where I could find a good mechanical pencil that scoffed at me because she "thought only math teachers used those"... ignorant bitch.

~ All of the people still saying "Happy New Year"...idk why...but it bugs the shit outta me!

~ The person that knocks on the door when I'm in the bathroom at work. When the door is locked, I'm pretty sure that means someone is in there.

~ Anyone who doesn't know what a "Hatori Hanso" sword is.

~ The color purple...the actual color, not the movie!

~ The bastards on this cruise brochure that still look all happy knowing damn well I have an attitude!

~ This loser at work that cut the label off of my Calvin Klein coat because he said it was too "showy!" He's lucky I didn't slit his damn tires!

~ My unpredictable urine stream. Yea you heard right, it switches up on me.

~ The people who continue to talk to me even though I tell them that "I'm in a bad mood!" Stop talking to me, I wont magically snap out of it because you're "awesome". Leave me the fuck alone!

~ The therapist that says I'm not social enough. Eat deez nuts sir!

~ My sexy ass boss' wife. Lucky bitch.

~ The fact that my Blackberry screen is not a touch screen and silently giggles at me every time I have to click the "trackball"! I'm living in the stone age.

I can feel the aggravation still festering in my chest...more to come!

Sexy SpongeBob and The Vagina

Today was a stagnant day. Sex was on my brain before my feet even hit my bedroom floor...gotta love it?...........or not so much.
So I flipped on the tele and since I fell asleep with the TV on Nickelodeon, SpongeBob was on. Now I was half sleep, but is it me or is SpongeBob NOT for children?
Now before I say anything, I am a HUGE fan of SpongeBob. BUT, would I let my kids watch it? Um...probably not. They say things like "shut up", "stupid", and I may have even heard a "damn"!
OK, so after half watching and listening for about 10 minutes, I SWEAR I see one cartoon figure bent over another. Now I'm a horn dog, so more than likely I'm making this into something that its not! But kids nowadays know more about sex than they did years ago... So tell me this...

How the hell am I supposed to explain sex to my kids?

OK being a parent already scares the shit out of me because I've seen how parents seriously fuck up their kids. When your child comes to you and asks about sex and babies and crap like that, WTF are you supposed to tell them?
Depending on how old they are I'm sure you can totally get away with "Well honey, you can fill out an application and place an order with Santa and he'll put you on a list to receive a baby when one becomes available". But how about when they're like 11 and no longer buying any of the bullshit your selling? What then?
What if my little boy sees me getting out of the shower and asks "whats that?" while pointing at my vagina crawl space.
It's too scary!!  If I have a girl, I'm screwed. The whole menstruation thing makes me vomit in my mouth and slowly die inside every month as it is.
It's bullshit madness I tell ya!!
I see the "holistic" parents who never even fib to their children because they believe lying breeds lies. So when they're kids ask about penises they say things like "Well sweetie, men have these tools to enter into a woman's vagina and plant the seeds of life"! WTF!?!?!
I don't care what you do to your children but my 2 year olds aren't going to be talking about vaginas before nap time....fuck that!
You can ruin the little freaks before they even hit puberty.
Parenting is hard enough without all the damn questions you have to answer in the deli section of the supermarket.
* What is a nipple?
* Why are you and daddy so noisy at night?
* What does mommy mean?
* Can I pee right here?
* Do boogers have feelings?

I'm exhausted already...

The Cheater, The B*tch, and the Lost Beach Boy

Sometimes I have to stop myself from talking to people like everyone is an idiot except me! haha
It's really not funny at all, because I have this personality disorder attitude problem and I kind of sound condescending when I speak to people sometimes...yeah I should probably stop... I know people aren't morons...wait... right?? Well...eh...either way I shouldn't be a bitch to everybody because I wouldn't want to be treated that way. So today I will control my anger even though most assholes people deserve it!

So In Other News::

! Tiger Woods has a love child huh? With his affinity towards white chicks women that don't mind being home wreckers, I'd say he's well on his way to having his wife pour hot grits on his ass in the middle of the night.
! Day 16 of NO flesh MEAT and the worst part is not the temptation, its the jerks that offer their opinions every time I say "nope, no meat for me"...like dude, did I ask you to comment on MY life choices?!?!
prick...
! So I've starting watching the tv series LOST on DVD and I'm up to season 2...Can I just say that I KNOW I'm late but stfu. Sawyer...is...HOT...I'll bounce his bastard children out right now! The man has DIMPLES...I mean DAMN, they don't make men like that anymore... fuck...
! I wish I had a workout partner, this way I can have someone to motivate me to ya know...workout.
its better to do those kinds of things together, this way I can minimize my lazy nonproductive days.
! I want some Cotton Candy Stone Cold ice cream...Hmmmm...How am I going to get it though, since I'm at work? *thinking*

in the meantime...talk amongst yourselves...!

Disturbia...But Not in the Sexy, Rihanna Kind of Way...

OK so today is my sixth day without meat! And I must say it's a lot tougher than I thought it would be. Now granted, I forget almost all the time. I added bacon bits to my salad yesterday and took almost 2 bites before I remembered that I don't eat pork anymore. Loser.

And I ordered chicken wings from the Chinese restaurant before "someone" reminded me that I was "flesh free". Shit.

I can say that I'm getting more used to not having it and my stomach has abruptly ceased growling for the most part!

I find that I can eat 3 times as much "veggies" than before, and I love veggies so...so far so good!



Now lets move on to today's happenings...
My old friend, from my exotic dancing NYU days has come down to Atlanta for a job interview from NY. She said in very blunt words today that she basically "wants my life". I said what's so great about my life? Shit, you can have it! She said "I love the "way" you are, I see how you handle people and business and I'm envious!" So I told her that the way I do things may be different from how someone else might see it. I tried to get her to see that instead of adopting someone else's perspective maybe she should develop her own. I am all about doing things differently and being my own person, so if that's something that she admires, she could easily apply her OWN views and perspective to her OWN life!
This ignorant heffa told me that she would just rather "adopt MY perspective, since she already likes it so much"?!?!?!?

"I love how you talk to people and how understanding you are. And you always ask the right questions. You're like a tiger, cunning and intimidating".

You know, people are crazy... There are some real psychos out there!
I'm in the fucking Twilight Zone.

The Life of A Mom...Poop In The Fingernails!!

This is my baby Quishu...He is bad as all hell!! But he's my booboo so I mean, what'reyagonnado??
So recently he took his bad ass into the kitchen and turned the garbage over and ate what was left of a popcorn dinner that I had recently... (Don't judge me!)
Needless to say he was beyond backed up, he was at that stage of constipation where you sit in the friggin corner and whimper, or growl at the foreign object formally known as your right paw!
So I couldn't take it anymore, I had to save my baby boy...I knew what it was because all of the online sites pointed to extreme constipation (and I didn't REALLY feel like paying the $196 vet fee...bastards...)...so I thought to myself maybe I should give him a puppy laxative...or (what the pet sites that I cruise occasionally refer to as) mineral oil.
...2 days later still NO POOP... So I had to do something I couldn't stand to see him squirming around!
Ok now don't hate me, I would never do anything to hurt my poor baby...but what's a mom to do????? The vet I talked to on the phone said to use a turkey baster, (yeah like I have those lying around...judgemental beeyotch!)...so I said can I just use a straw or something?...no answer...I could feel her rolling her damn eyes too...ugh!!
She said "if you bring him into the office we can try to break down the blockage", I said "so why cant I do that myself, for free?"...she said "Um, well you can try"...this fucker is aggravating me now.
I put her on speaker and took Quishu outside on the deck and tried not to vomit...
She wanted me to put my damn finger in my baby's bum!!! WTF?!?!?!?! I wanted to chew off the side of this lady's face!! But.....he was suffering...and screaming...and lets just say that he couldn't sit down for 2 days...BUT................I DID IT!!!!! And he made poo...
He is feeling loads better already...he's back to running around like a psycho and jumping into my arms with a plate of food in my lap...and then mommy has to spend her movie-night cleaning spaghetti off of his bum...awesome!
But whats best for the baby is all that matters, no matter that every time I see him poop I have convulsions and silently die inside...cause eeeew!
But yeah, so that's my tragedy...yes...I know!
____________________________

Side Note:
Am I the only one whose piss switches directions midstream??....Soooo aggravating... :-x

Why Don't I Have Enough Money to Travel??

Every now and then I get this urge to flee...call it anxiety...call it boredom...call it a need to see something different, who knows?

I've been planning a trip to Greece since like 2007, but I'm lazy and procrastination is like my only talent. But I'm realizing that I have zero funds available to take a random trip around the world. Oh and I'm single so that's another reason...I don't have that AWESOME double income thing poppin'. So naturally I tried to explore the reasons why I have no travel money. I came across a few things...

* I buy something for my house twice a week, whether it be a throw rug, or curtains, or a new mop...I simply am addicted to the housewares department of Target/Ikea/Pier 1/Home Depot...yes I said Home friggin Depot! I like to switch up bedroom color schemes and I like pillows....don't judge me!

* I lend people money...that I hardly EVER get back...and I'm too nice to hound people...like the mafia...who ALWAYS gets paid btw... Ever have a conversation with someone that owes you money? It's weird and uncomfortable...because every word they say you're like...stfu...and pay me...damn! Or......maybe that's just me.

* My truck EATS and SWALLOWS gas...probably only because I have a lead foot and hate hitting the brakes. I have some little driving tips that help to save gas, but none of them actually include slowing the fuck down!

* I pay for my moms EVERYTHING, because shes my only one and I think she deserves to be well taken care of (I mean she took care of me, and still sometimes does!).


* I buy whatever the hell I fell like buying, whenever I have the money...yea...I suck at saving... I mean, I try really hard sometimes...and I even get really great at it...but the "voices"...They speak to me and say things like... "Dude, you can totally fit that 9, buy it now or be a loser" or "It has to be divine intervention for your ass to look this awesome in those jeans"!

* I buy something every time I feel badly in order to make myself feel better...I know that millions of women do this...hmmm but those women are either married to men with money or they're also bad at saving.

* I eat out alot!! Like waaaay too much... which is probably why my ass looks like cottage cheese in a garbage bag...smh....bastard!

I always say that I'm gonna start saving more, but then...NYET! So maybe I should set aside like $20 dollars every check...hahaaaaaaa! Wait, isnt that called a 401K??
...MotherFugger!

Update: I was headed to the mall to "look around"...BUT I stopped myself...but then still bought a book on Amazon...shit...

Rawwwwrrrr (my tiger roar)!!!!!!!!

I just had a person ask me: "What time does the airport close?"

Effing morons unite once again...

Argh...!

Just shoot me in the f*cking face right now...!!! Friggin people working mah nerves!!
I need someone to trip in front of me or something! Smdh...