Burn Slowly in the Rotten Pits of Hell...

I'm in a bad mood today so I will be making a list of all of the people and things that have made my life THAT much harder.........Fuckers!
I hate you...
(FYI this can NOT be construed as slander as I will only be stating my opinion)...So HA!!

OK sooooo the list is growing everyday!!

I HATE:
~ The lady whose voice I hear every time I check my balance!

~ The people who invented Root Beer...Not Cream Soda...Root Beer.

~ "Michael" from Lost.

~ Blue Balls...or whatever the term is for women!

~ Anybody named Hitch...cause that's just stupid!

~ The IT guy that I have to call every time I lose my signal...I'm not calling you because I want to "catch up on old times"...jerk...!

~ The lady in Staples that I asked where I could find a good mechanical pencil that scoffed at me because she "thought only math teachers used those"... ignorant bitch.

~ All of the people still saying "Happy New Year"...idk why...but it bugs the shit outta me!

~ The person that knocks on the door when I'm in the bathroom at work. When the door is locked, I'm pretty sure that means someone is in there.

~ Anyone who doesn't know what a "Hatori Hanso" sword is.

~ The color purple...the actual color, not the movie!

~ The bastards on this cruise brochure that still look all happy knowing damn well I have an attitude!

~ This loser at work that cut the label off of my Calvin Klein coat because he said it was too "showy!" He's lucky I didn't slit his damn tires!

~ My unpredictable urine stream. Yea you heard right, it switches up on me.

~ The people who continue to talk to me even though I tell them that "I'm in a bad mood!" Stop talking to me, I wont magically snap out of it because you're "awesome". Leave me the fuck alone!

~ The therapist that says I'm not social enough. Eat deez nuts sir!

~ My sexy ass boss' wife. Lucky bitch.

~ The fact that my Blackberry screen is not a touch screen and silently giggles at me every time I have to click the "trackball"! I'm living in the stone age.

I can feel the aggravation still festering in my chest...more to come!

Eating Beans Alone With NO Sex...!

Yo! OK so I haven't been in the Christmas spirit really because...I mean, I guess I just don't care too much about it this year. I don't have children so I don't have to put up a tree and decorate or buy a million gifts for the little punks to break or leave over some other lil rugrats house! So...eh...

Aaaaaaand moving on...

So, one of my friends is leaving her husband after 11 years of marriage. This sucks for a bunch of reasons:

1. She put all of these years into some guy and now has to start over. Its like a 5000 piece jigsaw puzzle that drops to the floor and splatters the moment you try to move it! Hell no! I'm not starting that shit over from the beginning... It's just a waste...

2. The double income disappears!! Stop acting like you all weren't thinking the same exact thing! I know what its like to lose that extra money that you've grown to take for granted used to. It's not cool at all! You'll have to eat beans and rice until you get accustomed to your new budget. Beans fucking suck, trust me!

3. Her ass is 11 years older than she was when she started dating the last time. Which means her tight ass and perky tits are now cottage cheese in a garbage bag and stretch marks racing each other across her boob! NOT HOT!! Its a shame...

4. She has kids by the loser guy! Which means they will be eating beans too they are now the victims of a broken home! smh

5. She'll be alone. Which she obviously doesn't mind because shes choosing to leave the guy rather than stay so...alone is probably looking really great to her right now!

OK, now I see some silver lining here...let me fill you in:

1. She can bang ANYONE she wants without getting caught worrying about hurting someone elses feelings!
Ha! Shiiii...that kind of freedom sounds good to me!

...Yeah, that's all I really can think of...

Good Luck Mamita!

No, you can NOT stay with me Lou....I love you...but Hell NO!

My walking around naked all the time might aggravate you after a few days anyway...

Sexy SpongeBob and The Vagina

Today was a stagnant day. Sex was on my brain before my feet even hit my bedroom floor...gotta love it?...........or not so much.
So I flipped on the tele and since I fell asleep with the TV on Nickelodeon, SpongeBob was on. Now I was half sleep, but is it me or is SpongeBob NOT for children?
Now before I say anything, I am a HUGE fan of SpongeBob. BUT, would I let my kids watch it? Um...probably not. They say things like "shut up", "stupid", and I may have even heard a "damn"!
OK, so after half watching and listening for about 10 minutes, I SWEAR I see one cartoon figure bent over another. Now I'm a horn dog, so more than likely I'm making this into something that its not! But kids nowadays know more about sex than they did years ago... So tell me this...

How the hell am I supposed to explain sex to my kids?

OK being a parent already scares the shit out of me because I've seen how parents seriously fuck up their kids. When your child comes to you and asks about sex and babies and crap like that, WTF are you supposed to tell them?
Depending on how old they are I'm sure you can totally get away with "Well honey, you can fill out an application and place an order with Santa and he'll put you on a list to receive a baby when one becomes available". But how about when they're like 11 and no longer buying any of the bullshit your selling? What then?
What if my little boy sees me getting out of the shower and asks "whats that?" while pointing at my vagina crawl space.
It's too scary!!  If I have a girl, I'm screwed. The whole menstruation thing makes me vomit in my mouth and slowly die inside every month as it is.
It's bullshit madness I tell ya!!
I see the "holistic" parents who never even fib to their children because they believe lying breeds lies. So when they're kids ask about penises they say things like "Well sweetie, men have these tools to enter into a woman's vagina and plant the seeds of life"! WTF!?!?!
I don't care what you do to your children but my 2 year olds aren't going to be talking about vaginas before nap time....fuck that!
You can ruin the little freaks before they even hit puberty.
Parenting is hard enough without all the damn questions you have to answer in the deli section of the supermarket.
* What is a nipple?
* Why are you and daddy so noisy at night?
* What does mommy mean?
* Can I pee right here?
* Do boogers have feelings?

I'm exhausted already...

This Guy Chisels Away at the Italian Marble I have Protecting my Heart!

This is WHY I LOVE him So MUCH!!

I told him he was better than the Cotton Candy ice cream that I am addicted to LOVE from Cold Stone! Yep, I love him that much!


and he's hot....soooooo....I'm guessing I should book a flight to the UK like asap huh?


Sounds like a plan...(mental note: birth control? *check*)


In all honesty...Thank You Simon...YOU are why I write at all! *sniffle*


Carry on...

Disturbia...But Not in the Sexy, Rihanna Kind of Way...

OK so today is my sixth day without meat! And I must say it's a lot tougher than I thought it would be. Now granted, I forget almost all the time. I added bacon bits to my salad yesterday and took almost 2 bites before I remembered that I don't eat pork anymore. Loser.

And I ordered chicken wings from the Chinese restaurant before "someone" reminded me that I was "flesh free". Shit.

I can say that I'm getting more used to not having it and my stomach has abruptly ceased growling for the most part!

I find that I can eat 3 times as much "veggies" than before, and I love veggies so...so far so good!



Now lets move on to today's happenings...
My old friend, from my exotic dancing NYU days has come down to Atlanta for a job interview from NY. She said in very blunt words today that she basically "wants my life". I said what's so great about my life? Shit, you can have it! She said "I love the "way" you are, I see how you handle people and business and I'm envious!" So I told her that the way I do things may be different from how someone else might see it. I tried to get her to see that instead of adopting someone else's perspective maybe she should develop her own. I am all about doing things differently and being my own person, so if that's something that she admires, she could easily apply her OWN views and perspective to her OWN life!
This ignorant heffa told me that she would just rather "adopt MY perspective, since she already likes it so much"?!?!?!?

"I love how you talk to people and how understanding you are. And you always ask the right questions. You're like a tiger, cunning and intimidating".

You know, people are crazy... There are some real psychos out there!
I'm in the fucking Twilight Zone.

Ignoring People is Fun...Try it!

Today is Friday, whoopdeedamndoo...! I don't have the 9-5 kind of job so its not like its a weekend for me...yea yea yea OK so...
I have on this gorgeous royal blue satin shirt...yep..I look nice and sexy! Except for the fact that it's one of those like peasant type shirts...so its like riding up my ass all the way to my bra strap!
It's hard to pull off sexy when you have to keep pulling and tugging on your clothes like a 2 year old. Ugh!
In other news, I went to a conference for work yesterday, and I love discussing my job and meeting new people and all of the good crap that negates the shit that makes you want to say "f*ck dis job" on a bad day...but I was seated at a table with strangers and the women kept looking at me (one of them was a smoking hot BIG GIRL)...I thought maybe I had like a slippery snot boogie in my nose or something!

One of the guys pointed out to me "those women have been staring at you for a while now"...I'm like well I haven't slept with anybody's husband or cursed anyone out yet so...I could care less...let em stare...I look awesome today anyway...he laughs...
A few hours later, one of the ladies approaches me out in the hall after a meeting break and says "my friend and I so enjoyed your input and comments, you're so funny..." ...I'm thinking WTF??
We went on to talk about work and our jobs and where we wanted to go within the company and I found it very refreshing...women don't usually genuinely want to appreciate each other...especially BLACK women...and that's very unfortunate...because I always find myself complimenting women on whatever I think looks appealing about their appearance...
It's nice to see that I'm not alone in that regard...*smile*
People usually don't surprise me so, it was weird at first! I don't really do that well with strangers (except for work, because its my job to engage weird people and talk to them about things that I wouldn't out in the real world)...but its different when I'm not at work...I've mastered the art of ignoring people...typical NY'er...yea whatever, suck on these!

OK, so, yeah...enjoy the weekend!
later!

Kids SUCK!!! Yeah, I Said It!?!?!

So, I'm a little aggravated because I think people nowadays do NOT control their friggin' kids!
OK, so I'm not sensitive to the plights of parents because I don't actually have kids...well there goes my credibility...rme (rolling my eyes)...
All I'm saying is why are you letting your kids run around all "untamed"? If one of your rugrats bumps into me, YOU should say "Excuse me, I'm so sorry". But instead you look at me like I'm in the little bastards way?!?! UGH!
And they are ALWAYS effing sticky!! Yuck! They fart and puke and their coordination is almost always off...!
I don't give a shit if you assume people won't care because everyone is supposed to "know" how kids are and just accept it!! Yeah, Not me!!
When I was a child my mother would snatch me up with what black people refer to as "The Quickness"...She didn't tolerate me acting up and showing out and all the crazy shit that kids do now...I knew better, because I was taught better...!
I hope to have my children trained and well-mannered before the age of 5, having experienced first hand how pissed off people get when kids don't behave! I know as my mom always says "Kids will be Kids"...but damn...rude children grow into rude adults...!
Teach your damn kids some manners people! Argh!!
OK.... I feel tons better...
Hmmm, I think I'll make some homemade brownies??

Update: Having pinched a fat roll from my gut a second ago, my previous post of brownies will now be replaced with a stalk of dry-ass celery, lightly sprinkled with lemon juice... Smh

Yes, I am Crazy....So What...Stfu

Yes sir indeedy, I am in a waaay better mood today! Yesterday i was ready to stab a few strangers with rusty screwdrivers...but i digress.
ok so, ive been on this lifestyle change, where i watch my portions and take better care of my body inside and out...but you know how you get to a point where you dont give a shit about a lifestyle anything....yeah, thats where i am...and i dont deny myself the things that i crave, i just have them in moderation...
That being said during the latter part of a womans "cycle" (w/e i hate referring to anything about a womans menstral anything EWWW YUCK....yep 3rd grade all over folks)...its just gross...ok TANGENT sorry...
um...what was i saying?...oh yeah so during that time of the cycle she may crave a lil bit more of the chocolate side of things rather than brussel sprouts side...so thats where i am...except this was last week and now im just...how shall i put it...GREEDY!
oh and LAZY too, like i usually run up and down the apt building stairs (3 flights)..like 4 or 5 times...now ask me how many times ive done that in the last week...DING DING DING...your correct...NONE!
im a lame ass...quite literally...i dont want a mushy bum anymore...i want one of those nice bouncey tight bums...i just dont always FEEL like being sweaty and out of breath!
yep, jussssssst need to find a motivating, sexy, hot, freaky workout partner..>! And now ill stop dreaming...ill have to snap out of it!
Ok, time for a twinkie!
Mmmmmmmmmm!