I’m Pretty Sure I have Temper Problem…

Maybe I'm stressed? There are entirely too many times a day where I want to kick somebody's teeth in.

I'm so angry, I remember the last time I was this angry and the same things are happening…

I'm losing weight, and friends, and more hair comes out in the brush!?

Hmph, well it could be viewed as a nice diet I suppose, but do I really want to be miserable all day long? Life is too short to focus on the bad things that make you want to chuck a glass bottle at strangers that say things like "Smile, pretty girl"… >:-(

I just need one great thing to take my mind off of it, like a pint of Dulce de Leche ice cream, or a foot massage by some hot Asian dude that doesn't speak English, so I can say nasty, dirty things to him and he'll still smile at me.

Eh, on with the day I suppose… I'll try not to grimace at small children today.

Ciao

Healthcare with Some Poo and a Broken Hip

I hate the color yellow...
Idk why but yellow is just a dumb color...
But I do have a Spongebob t-shirt that I just can't part with...don't judge me.

Today is Tuesday and not much has happened... I watched an old lady slip in my dog's poo earlier.
It was a bit funny but what if she had like fell and broken her hip and slowly drowned from internal bleeding? Not cool.

I'm not quite sure how I feel about Obama's healthcare reform just yet...we'll see how it turns out.
I don't understand why people are flipping out now, he TOLD us that this was what he wanted to do...and we elected him...so why are people surprised that he's actually doing something that he SAID he was going to do? Smh...

On another note, Obama is probably great in the sack...

Patriotic Eggs and The Pipe Layer...

I was craving scrambled eggs all day today, so I rushed home to cook them...is that weird?

eh...doesn't matter...they were awesome.

One of my exes told me that it was all in the whipping of the egg. He said I shouldn't stop scrambling until I was pouring directly into the pan...as nicely as he was laying it down...I didn't care what he was talking about...I just smiled and agreed.

His head game was also ridiculous...(Mommy, stop reading)...which means he pretty much got away with more than I would normally allow.

Yes I say allow because I'm not the one to really settle for something less than what I give, which is a lot.

Isn't it funny how sex controls us sometimes? How much we tolerate is directly related to how great the sex in the relationship is. Smh. Does that make us all simple twits, or lust-thriving freaks? Well its better than what some foreign alliance leaders call us.

btw-Like America, most of the people that you think love/wanna be you...Don't!

Oh, Maybe you Didn't Get the Memo...I'm the Shit!

He says "I love how you just walk around like you own this motherfucker"....
I said..."Oh, you must be new..."
He says "Well, now we know each other so you can speak and not ignore me when you see me staring at you."
I said..."Oh no, I will still ignore you, because you're not important to me." (smiling...)
He says "Not yet anyway"
I said..."Wow, you've got a big pair of balls....dont cha'?"
He says "You can try all you want to scare me off, it's not working...so just let it go."
I said..."You may not be scared now, but you will be...I assure you!"
He says "Try me if you want to...And I'll have your ass twisted. You better watch it."
I said..."Hmmm is that right? (raising one eyebrow like "The Rock"."
Giggling to myself...

If You Don't Know, You're A DumbAss and You Need To Learn!

I have a couple of new things happening right now. I'm deciding whether to buy a house or a condo. This might be easy for some people but for me, it is not...I am horrible at making decisions, it takes me too long and I tend to get very aggravated and say the hell with it.
But I really should just get over that shit really quickly because I mean dude, the market is only going to get better. I am the queen of deals...I LOVE getting awesome stuff for like pennies! It just makes me feel like I've gotten the most for my money ya know?

Random-Thought: I love me some pineapple!! Wooo!
Ok...
So I've asked around and people have given me a lot of suggestions but how do I know that these people aren't like child molesters or if they're hiding dead bodies in their basements?? I already don't trust people and now little ole me is trying to attain property for the best deal without having to give anybody head or a slow hand job. The deals I've seen are a little too awesome for my skeptical ass to appreciate. I understand the system a little bit better after asking one of my friends 156 million questions, that only spawned more questions...but he understands. Thanx Kev!! He wants everyone to get a great a deal as his...which I won't mention because I'm sure the FBI is crawling the net and his deal was sooo awesome I don't want to put him or his broker in jeopardy! I got your back Kev!!

So here is what I have so far...
Houses are a better fit for me because I love my space. I get kind of crazy with the Pavarotti blasting at 2am and I love to paint and recreate the space for myself, but that will be almost impossible with associations keeping me down...

Condos are great in the fact that I don't have to do shit! If anything breaks I can pretty much just call a sexy stripper turned plumber to come a "service" me.
But I will have to smell other people's cooking and nasty smells and stuff ew!
I may even have to fight for parking. Grrrrr.
Eh, I'm leaning toward the home but now don't laugh...I want to be able to take a dip in the pool. I know it's stupid, but condos come with fitness centers and pools. So I'm moping around about the fact that if I get a home I won't get a pool, and Kev (my home buying guru) says that I can get a personal pool for under $400!!
Problem Solved.
Until I learn more about this shit and then end up clueless again.
Until then...

Eating Beans Alone With NO Sex...!

Yo! OK so I haven't been in the Christmas spirit really because...I mean, I guess I just don't care too much about it this year. I don't have children so I don't have to put up a tree and decorate or buy a million gifts for the little punks to break or leave over some other lil rugrats house! So...eh...

Aaaaaaand moving on...

So, one of my friends is leaving her husband after 11 years of marriage. This sucks for a bunch of reasons:

1. She put all of these years into some guy and now has to start over. Its like a 5000 piece jigsaw puzzle that drops to the floor and splatters the moment you try to move it! Hell no! I'm not starting that shit over from the beginning... It's just a waste...

2. The double income disappears!! Stop acting like you all weren't thinking the same exact thing! I know what its like to lose that extra money that you've grown to take for granted used to. It's not cool at all! You'll have to eat beans and rice until you get accustomed to your new budget. Beans fucking suck, trust me!

3. Her ass is 11 years older than she was when she started dating the last time. Which means her tight ass and perky tits are now cottage cheese in a garbage bag and stretch marks racing each other across her boob! NOT HOT!! Its a shame...

4. She has kids by the loser guy! Which means they will be eating beans too they are now the victims of a broken home! smh

5. She'll be alone. Which she obviously doesn't mind because shes choosing to leave the guy rather than stay so...alone is probably looking really great to her right now!

OK, now I see some silver lining here...let me fill you in:

1. She can bang ANYONE she wants without getting caught worrying about hurting someone elses feelings!
Ha! Shiiii...that kind of freedom sounds good to me!

...Yeah, that's all I really can think of...

Good Luck Mamita!

No, you can NOT stay with me Lou....I love you...but Hell NO!

My walking around naked all the time might aggravate you after a few days anyway...

Sexy SpongeBob and The Vagina

Today was a stagnant day. Sex was on my brain before my feet even hit my bedroom floor...gotta love it?...........or not so much.
So I flipped on the tele and since I fell asleep with the TV on Nickelodeon, SpongeBob was on. Now I was half sleep, but is it me or is SpongeBob NOT for children?
Now before I say anything, I am a HUGE fan of SpongeBob. BUT, would I let my kids watch it? Um...probably not. They say things like "shut up", "stupid", and I may have even heard a "damn"!
OK, so after half watching and listening for about 10 minutes, I SWEAR I see one cartoon figure bent over another. Now I'm a horn dog, so more than likely I'm making this into something that its not! But kids nowadays know more about sex than they did years ago... So tell me this...

How the hell am I supposed to explain sex to my kids?

OK being a parent already scares the shit out of me because I've seen how parents seriously fuck up their kids. When your child comes to you and asks about sex and babies and crap like that, WTF are you supposed to tell them?
Depending on how old they are I'm sure you can totally get away with "Well honey, you can fill out an application and place an order with Santa and he'll put you on a list to receive a baby when one becomes available". But how about when they're like 11 and no longer buying any of the bullshit your selling? What then?
What if my little boy sees me getting out of the shower and asks "whats that?" while pointing at my vagina crawl space.
It's too scary!!  If I have a girl, I'm screwed. The whole menstruation thing makes me vomit in my mouth and slowly die inside every month as it is.
It's bullshit madness I tell ya!!
I see the "holistic" parents who never even fib to their children because they believe lying breeds lies. So when they're kids ask about penises they say things like "Well sweetie, men have these tools to enter into a woman's vagina and plant the seeds of life"! WTF!?!?!
I don't care what you do to your children but my 2 year olds aren't going to be talking about vaginas before nap time....fuck that!
You can ruin the little freaks before they even hit puberty.
Parenting is hard enough without all the damn questions you have to answer in the deli section of the supermarket.
* What is a nipple?
* Why are you and daddy so noisy at night?
* What does mommy mean?
* Can I pee right here?
* Do boogers have feelings?

I'm exhausted already...

The Cheater, The B*tch, and the Lost Beach Boy

Sometimes I have to stop myself from talking to people like everyone is an idiot except me! haha
It's really not funny at all, because I have this personality disorder attitude problem and I kind of sound condescending when I speak to people sometimes...yeah I should probably stop... I know people aren't morons...wait... right?? Well...eh...either way I shouldn't be a bitch to everybody because I wouldn't want to be treated that way. So today I will control my anger even though most assholes people deserve it!

So In Other News::

! Tiger Woods has a love child huh? With his affinity towards white chicks women that don't mind being home wreckers, I'd say he's well on his way to having his wife pour hot grits on his ass in the middle of the night.
! Day 16 of NO flesh MEAT and the worst part is not the temptation, its the jerks that offer their opinions every time I say "nope, no meat for me"...like dude, did I ask you to comment on MY life choices?!?!
prick...
! So I've starting watching the tv series LOST on DVD and I'm up to season 2...Can I just say that I KNOW I'm late but stfu. Sawyer...is...HOT...I'll bounce his bastard children out right now! The man has DIMPLES...I mean DAMN, they don't make men like that anymore... fuck...
! I wish I had a workout partner, this way I can have someone to motivate me to ya know...workout.
its better to do those kinds of things together, this way I can minimize my lazy nonproductive days.
! I want some Cotton Candy Stone Cold ice cream...Hmmmm...How am I going to get it though, since I'm at work? *thinking*

in the meantime...talk amongst yourselves...!

Lesbians are Cool!

I recently took advantage of an opportunity to pamper myself, its a courtesy of the hotel business I suppose. I haven't had a massage since the Reagan administration so I felt like it might be time to ya know, go get a rub down!
So I get there and its very classy and elegant. There is a doorman that escorts me into the spa and bows while he's holding the door. The owners were there to greet me and we had a quick talk about the business that I send to them and how they are very grateful (Nice bunch of people those Ukrainians)!
So she escorts me into a dark room with serene music and shadow spotlights, and asks me which type of massage I would like to have. I let her know that I'm kind of tense and I haven't had a day off in 11 days so I might need a Deep Tissue massage. She agreed and told me where to put my clothes and let me know that if I wanted to leave my underwear on, I could.
So once she leaves the room I strip down butt naked, because I mean seriously...I love my body and I'm not shy or uncomfortable in my own skin. I lay down on the table face down and tuck my fingers under my hips.
She comes in and says "Wow, you're naked...I love it"...!
As she proceeds to caress my back, I can feel myself relaxing already. Mmmmm!
Now the real party starts when she massages all the way UP my leg...also known as the ASS area of my body!
Now I haven't had a massage in quite some time, but I do NOT remember my butt cheeks being a part of the ordeal at all! While molesting my butt crack she says things like "You're skin is so soft, what do you do to it?"...WTF!
I mean, maybe she figured because I stripped down to "la buff" that I wanted to be sodomized by her fingers? Well the thing is, I actually enjoyed her fondling my private parts...(Great so now I'm a lesbian, awesome...)...I thought I was all finished and then she hit me with the two sexiest words you can ever hear during sex... In a sexy, sultry voice she said "TURN OVER"!!!
I said Awwww Shit...
She then proceeded to massage my upper chest area, like right above the "ladies". It wasn't the most awesome feeling but I'm a touchy feely person anyway, so I was very happy. *smile*
And then she insulted me by saying she didn't understand why a pretty girl has such ugly eyebrows (Europeans...lol smh) , so she waxed and plucked me to death, which really made me feel pampered....It was great!
The next day I had another massage set up by a different spa, and she was an older lady with waaaaaay more experience, so after THAT massage I had lobster skin... and my neck felt so loose and no longer tense! it was like I was finally free! Yay!!!
All in all I enjoyed the molestation and stuff...massages ROCK!!
*smile*

Touch Me, Tease Me.....Or Not!

Well I took a poll to ask readers what they would like me to blog about and SEX is the winner by like a landslide!!
Hmmm, lets see...what to discuss...how about likes and dislikes?

OK Likes/Quick ways to make my panties moist...(God I hope my mom isn't reading today...sorry Ma, I know its Sunday!):

*...slow, tender kisses
*...rubbing of the head...OK now this might present a problem because I now have a hair-piece in...like so many other women. So guys don't go rubbing on her bean until you get all of her beauty facts!
But my piece is coming out soon so, I love to have my head massaged...
*...I like it when he aims to please me...YEP...because I AIM to please...I LOVE to have him satisfied, it just feels so good to me.
*...blow me a kiss or motion a kiss from far away...I'll be squirming in my seat after a few of those.
*...sex toys...they just make the world better...lol
*...having sex in places where people might see...or we might get into trouble...ooooh yum!
*...uncircumcised penises...enough said!
*...manhandling...I like to be tossed around sometimes...maybe even a slap here and there...lol yes I know...with the wrong person, this can be a disaster...(I found that out the hard way....OK, moving on!)
*...sex in weird/erotic places: bathrooms, beaches, roof tops, the tops of car or trucks, parents/grandparents houses, malls, movie theaters, laundry rooms...etc...
*...CUNNILINGUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I'm doing the hula dance in my seat just thinking about it!)
*...his pleasure...This a big one...I won't get excited if I don't see that HE is excited!

Now, Dislikes/things that will never get you any of my Peach:
...body odor...I mean I LOVE giving head (ma if you're still reading, STOP right now!!)...yeah so...because I love giving head so much I have dealt with the musky, sweaty thing...but it's not optimal, and you or your balls shouldn't smell like you've been playing basketball in the desert!
...tongues in my ear...hell to the no...please, just don't!
...dirty hands and/or fingernails...because yuck sir!
...bad breath, FYI...this does NOT include that quickie in the morning before work!
...for you to stick anything inside my vagina that isn't a part of your body or a sex toy...this includes broom handles, pens, straws, popsicles, beer bottles, teething rings, or the like!
...ambivalence...because if you don't want to work for it, you wont get it! Period.
...bad teeth or smile, or hygiene...or dress...

Hmmmm, I'm sure there are a few more that Ive forgotten but we can add those in a bit later!
OK...........................talk amongst yourselves... :-)

Sausage Boobs

I was thinking about boobs earlier...and what it would feel like to have none. I see a lot of boobs...well not a lot...but you know. When I'm talking to people they glance down at the girls like every 11th word, others just stare and block out my mouth moving at all!
So for the next 2 days I'll just stare and drool at every male package I see, it's my way of returning the favor. Bastards!
Now if I didn't have huge breasts my life would probably be different. I wouldn't have half as much free shit, and sex would be that much more boring.
I enjoy the compliments and the attention, but it would be nice if i didn't have to try on like 4 blouses at a time to find the one that fits well enough in the boob area. I don't want to wear anything that pops open and takes an eye out...hmmm...that would be funny!
Man, I can wait to get out of this friggin' suit...my boobs are suffocating.
I now know what a sausage feels like... :-(

20 Reasons I can't be Obama's Sidepiece.....Anymore...

Do you hear that? Yeah, thats my heart breaking...

1. My ego is just too big to deal with the fact that I can't like declare war and my boyfriend can!

2. He whistles the tune to Good Times in the friggin' shower.

3. The nail on the pinky toe of his left foot is all irrational and scary-looking.

4. He likes for Michelle to watch. The first time it's cool and kinky...but every Thursday?? C'mon!

5. Hilary will not stop fucking winking at me! I have no idea why, but it makes me think he's saying something about me!

6. He wears PAJAMAS, I mean....seriously? No matter what I say, he never sleeps in boxers, a wife beater or just a t-shirt. It's always silk, satin or flannel PJ's...tops and bottoms...that always MATCH!!

7. He sucks his fingers after eating. Argh! But only after meals that include chicken.

8. He says SPIC. Only when with friends and in private, but still.

9. Every time he hugs my Grandmother, he frowns a little.

10. He calls me the "nanny" when there are press releases on the grounds.

11. He has a garden that he tends to everyday at 4:17pm. It's cool, but just a little bit weird.

12. In private he speaks this weird language from Kenya, and every time I ask him about it, he just stares at me blankly.

13. Whenever we kiss our teeth clink together and it makes me want to bite his tongue off.

14. He doesn't have a cell phone!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When he should probably have like 11 of them!

15. He doesn't believe in cremation, he thinks the ashes will rebuild themselves like Terminator!

16. He doesn't eat anything yellow. Butternut squash, bananas, lemons, cake...nothing!

17. He makes me ask him for his autograph as foreplay.

18. He always drunk-dials the same Plumber in Minnesota. I have to snatch the phone every time and apologize to Earl and his wife Nancy.

19. He ate 6 live earthworms once.

20. He told me the other day: "I don't love you" and I said "What? Why not?"...he said "I don't know, I just can't, and I should be sorry, but I just can't!"

That....Fucker!

I Guess I'll Be a Horny Toad for Halloween

I'm sitting here trying to think of ANYTHING to get my mind off of the fact that I'm so HORNY I'd wink at a goat right now! I think there's something wrong with me, I'm like a guy. Men think about sex about every 42 seconds, no bullshit!?!? I promise you, I'm up to like at least every 11 minutes or so. It's a lot longer interval when I've either just had sex or have had sex in the last 24 hours. I literally could have sex like three times a day without ever flinching...some days more, some less.
I'm like that distracted dog in the movie "UP"...the one who says "SQUIRREL" in the middle of his conversations! If it's not a boob popping out of a lady's shirt to remind me of his tongue around my nipples, it's a sexy guy that smiles at me in the grocery store. I'm like an animal, with big old balls that need to be released.
Maybe I have a hormonal imbalance? Or maybe I was born a hermaphrodite and I still have tons of testosterone? Doctors think I'm a lunatic, they say I'm fine, they say my sex drive is just abnormally ridiculously high..I say...F*CK YOU...!!
Happy Halloween...

Why Give Up Being Single??

Ya know, It's a wonderful thing to be home alone...walking around all scraggly and smelling like tartar sauce! Being single has its benefits...like not having to shave every 2 days and farting out loud...

Why would I give this up?? No, really....

Oh wait damn! ...SEX...duh!

Nipps are Good! As in Nippy Weather, Not Nipples...You Pervs!

So it's getting kind of chilly outside, and I for one love the NIPPY weather!
There's the snuggle factor and the hot cocoa and nice sexy boots....but Winter here is nothing like winter in NY! The NY attitude is even worse in bad weather, damn fools already don't have manners (myself included), add bad weather to that and you get well, you get misdemeanors and felonies...Ha!
Now, don't smack me in the head with a sledge hammer, but I'm just getting into the show LOST after being about 5 years too late...I got sick of my friends calling me a loser so...better late than never..!
I kind of feel like that's how my life is, like brilliantly cast episodes of strange happenings and disasters masked by what appears to be luck that is really just fate played out in an overwhelming jungle! Yep, live in my world!
Do I smell bacon?
Speaking of nippy weather, this bra totally is not worth the $58 I paid for it, ....bastard!
Life would be so much simpler to me if I was like a normal C cup, or even a big B...!
Are there any breast men left in the world?!?! I don't have much of a round, juicy plump booty...but I am blessed in the sexy, smooth, milky tit area...I am now back down to a DD as opposed to the E I was earlier in the year......hahaha...dont hate bitches!!
OK I'm bored now...time for some bacon!

You smell like Gross-Ness!

My dog just farted and it smells like curry shrimp...Eww

I have a pretty bad backache, and i'm tired but i cant seem to fall asleep...sooooo here i am...ooooh lucky you huh?

I could clean up my living room, it got destroyed in a losing battle with a moth/butterfly/alien that tried to move in...smh...nope...sorry if you want to live here you have to either have a job or be a stripper on the side or something...im not even joking!

ok im bored with you now...go way!

Huh?!?!?!

Ok, so im like an attractive woman so i understand that guys ya know want to like ravage me, its cool I totally get it...but dont say things like "Hey Ma, i would love to F*ck the Sh*t out of you!"
Fucking jerk..>! >:-( ...i hate men, you bastards should be dragged behind all red pick up trucks!
Ok so now im going to go and put snot on the back of every mans suit jacket...! Chill, its not like green or even yellow, its clear, so no biggie!
Rawrrrrr!!!
Ciao

Yes, I am Crazy....So What...Stfu

Yes sir indeedy, I am in a waaay better mood today! Yesterday i was ready to stab a few strangers with rusty screwdrivers...but i digress.
ok so, ive been on this lifestyle change, where i watch my portions and take better care of my body inside and out...but you know how you get to a point where you dont give a shit about a lifestyle anything....yeah, thats where i am...and i dont deny myself the things that i crave, i just have them in moderation...
That being said during the latter part of a womans "cycle" (w/e i hate referring to anything about a womans menstral anything EWWW YUCK....yep 3rd grade all over folks)...its just gross...ok TANGENT sorry...
um...what was i saying?...oh yeah so during that time of the cycle she may crave a lil bit more of the chocolate side of things rather than brussel sprouts side...so thats where i am...except this was last week and now im just...how shall i put it...GREEDY!
oh and LAZY too, like i usually run up and down the apt building stairs (3 flights)..like 4 or 5 times...now ask me how many times ive done that in the last week...DING DING DING...your correct...NONE!
im a lame ass...quite literally...i dont want a mushy bum anymore...i want one of those nice bouncey tight bums...i just dont always FEEL like being sweaty and out of breath!
yep, jussssssst need to find a motivating, sexy, hot, freaky workout partner..>! And now ill stop dreaming...ill have to snap out of it!
Ok, time for a twinkie!
Mmmmmmmmmm!

Interesting...

When i got up this morning, the first thing on my mind was pizza...hmmm...w/e

OK so, I've been in a bad mood for like 3 days now...and shopping hasn't helped, movies haven't helped...is it a lack of sleep?
or could it be the fact that I'm horny and haven't had sex in like 4 days?!?!

I'm cranky...stfu!