Saturday, October 10, 2009

Texts and Giggles

My ex called all upset like "why didn't you return my text", I was pissed off with him so I said..."Well I was pausing for dramatic effect"...he said "for two fucking weeks??!?!?"
...I said "dude, really? aren't you married now?"....he shut the hell up then!
I said "hold my balls for one second"...he said "what?"... I said, "hold on for one second"...silently giggling to myself!
Just thought I'd
I have to I really just don't feel like typing

Molested by a Fruit Fly!

OK so I'm eating a danish of some kind, which is really not even my thing, I'm more into croissants or muffins, but anyway...
I bite down on the danish and gooey shit plops out the other side...THEN, this extremely rambunctious fruit fly presumes to sit his nasty ass right smack on top of my danish goo!!!
So I spit out the chewed danish, which pissed me off because I was like 2 seconds from swallowing w/e...and this bastard fruit fly flies up my damn nose!!
On top of being pissed off that this little prick had the audacity to try and choke me by flying up my nose, I now have to blow my nose, snot and all BTW, in front of like 3 weird strangers, who are now looking because I have danish goo sliding down my shirt in the front and snot dripping down into my mouth....AWESOME!
After he takes his sweet time up there he finally descends down and out of my nose...he probably had time to lay like 114,293 eggs, Ewww...
I rinsed my nose with so much alcohol that I nearly drowned...and I randomly still dunk my head underwater in the tub to sort of flush out the remaining larvae....
Soooo that was my day so far...yep, you had it easy!

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

You smell like Gross-Ness!

My dog just farted and it smells like curry shrimp...Eww
I have a pretty bad backache, and i'm tired but i cant seem to fall asleep...sooooo here i am...ooooh lucky you huh?
I could clean up my living room, it got destroyed in a losing battle with a moth/butterfly/alien that tried to move in...smh...nope...sorry if you want to live here you have to either have a job or be a stripper on the side or not even joking!
ok im bored with you now...go way!


Ok, so im like an attractive woman so i understand that guys ya know want to like ravage me, its cool I totally get it...but dont say things like "Hey Ma, i would love to F*ck the Sh*t out of you!"
Fucking jerk..>! >:-( ...i hate men, you bastards should be dragged behind all red pick up trucks!
Ok so now im going to go and put snot on the back of every mans suit jacket...! Chill, its not like green or even yellow, its clear, so no biggie!

Monday, October 5, 2009

Yes, I am Crazy....So What...Stfu

Yes sir indeedy, I am in a waaay better mood today! Yesterday i was ready to stab a few strangers with rusty screwdrivers...but i digress.
ok so, ive been on this lifestyle change, where i watch my portions and take better care of my body inside and out...but you know how you get to a point where you dont give a shit about a lifestyle anything....yeah, thats where i am...and i dont deny myself the things that i crave, i just have them in moderation...
That being said during the latter part of a womans "cycle" (w/e i hate referring to anything about a womans menstral anything EWWW YUCK....yep 3rd grade all over folks)...its just gross...ok TANGENT sorry...
um...what was i saying?...oh yeah so during that time of the cycle she may crave a lil bit more of the chocolate side of things rather than brussel sprouts thats where i am...except this was last week and now im shall i put it...GREEDY!
oh and LAZY too, like i usually run up and down the apt building stairs (3 flights) 4 or 5 ask me how many times ive done that in the last week...DING DING DING...your correct...NONE!
im a lame ass...quite literally...i dont want a mushy bum anymore...i want one of those nice bouncey tight bums...i just dont always FEEL like being sweaty and out of breath!
yep, jussssssst need to find a motivating, sexy, hot, freaky workout partner..>! And now ill stop dreaming...ill have to snap out of it!
Ok, time for a twinkie!