Sausage Boobs

I was thinking about boobs earlier...and what it would feel like to have none. I see a lot of boobs...well not a lot...but you know. When I'm talking to people they glance down at the girls like every 11th word, others just stare and block out my mouth moving at all!
So for the next 2 days I'll just stare and drool at every male package I see, it's my way of returning the favor. Bastards!
Now if I didn't have huge breasts my life would probably be different. I wouldn't have half as much free shit, and sex would be that much more boring.
I enjoy the compliments and the attention, but it would be nice if i didn't have to try on like 4 blouses at a time to find the one that fits well enough in the boob area. I don't want to wear anything that pops open and takes an eye out...hmmm...that would be funny!
Man, I can wait to get out of this friggin' suit...my boobs are suffocating.
I now know what a sausage feels like... :-(

20 Reasons I can't be Obama's Sidepiece.....Anymore...

Do you hear that? Yeah, thats my heart breaking...

1. My ego is just too big to deal with the fact that I can't like declare war and my boyfriend can!

2. He whistles the tune to Good Times in the friggin' shower.

3. The nail on the pinky toe of his left foot is all irrational and scary-looking.

4. He likes for Michelle to watch. The first time it's cool and kinky...but every Thursday?? C'mon!

5. Hilary will not stop fucking winking at me! I have no idea why, but it makes me think he's saying something about me!

6. He wears PAJAMAS, I mean....seriously? No matter what I say, he never sleeps in boxers, a wife beater or just a t-shirt. It's always silk, satin or flannel PJ's...tops and bottoms...that always MATCH!!

7. He sucks his fingers after eating. Argh! But only after meals that include chicken.

8. He says SPIC. Only when with friends and in private, but still.

9. Every time he hugs my Grandmother, he frowns a little.

10. He calls me the "nanny" when there are press releases on the grounds.

11. He has a garden that he tends to everyday at 4:17pm. It's cool, but just a little bit weird.

12. In private he speaks this weird language from Kenya, and every time I ask him about it, he just stares at me blankly.

13. Whenever we kiss our teeth clink together and it makes me want to bite his tongue off.

14. He doesn't have a cell phone!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When he should probably have like 11 of them!

15. He doesn't believe in cremation, he thinks the ashes will rebuild themselves like Terminator!

16. He doesn't eat anything yellow. Butternut squash, bananas, lemons, cake...nothing!

17. He makes me ask him for his autograph as foreplay.

18. He always drunk-dials the same Plumber in Minnesota. I have to snatch the phone every time and apologize to Earl and his wife Nancy.

19. He ate 6 live earthworms once.

20. He told me the other day: "I don't love you" and I said "What? Why not?"...he said "I don't know, I just can't, and I should be sorry, but I just can't!"

That....Fucker!

I Guess I'll Be a Horny Toad for Halloween

I'm sitting here trying to think of ANYTHING to get my mind off of the fact that I'm so HORNY I'd wink at a goat right now! I think there's something wrong with me, I'm like a guy. Men think about sex about every 42 seconds, no bullshit!?!? I promise you, I'm up to like at least every 11 minutes or so. It's a lot longer interval when I've either just had sex or have had sex in the last 24 hours. I literally could have sex like three times a day without ever flinching...some days more, some less.
I'm like that distracted dog in the movie "UP"...the one who says "SQUIRREL" in the middle of his conversations! If it's not a boob popping out of a lady's shirt to remind me of his tongue around my nipples, it's a sexy guy that smiles at me in the grocery store. I'm like an animal, with big old balls that need to be released.
Maybe I have a hormonal imbalance? Or maybe I was born a hermaphrodite and I still have tons of testosterone? Doctors think I'm a lunatic, they say I'm fine, they say my sex drive is just abnormally ridiculously high..I say...F*CK YOU...!!
Happy Halloween...

Why Give Up Being Single??

Ya know, It's a wonderful thing to be home alone...walking around all scraggly and smelling like tartar sauce! Being single has its benefits...like not having to shave every 2 days and farting out loud...

Why would I give this up?? No, really....

Oh wait damn! ...SEX...duh!

Ignoring People is Fun...Try it!

Today is Friday, whoopdeedamndoo...! I don't have the 9-5 kind of job so its not like its a weekend for me...yea yea yea OK so...
I have on this gorgeous royal blue satin shirt...yep..I look nice and sexy! Except for the fact that it's one of those like peasant type shirts...so its like riding up my ass all the way to my bra strap!
It's hard to pull off sexy when you have to keep pulling and tugging on your clothes like a 2 year old. Ugh!
In other news, I went to a conference for work yesterday, and I love discussing my job and meeting new people and all of the good crap that negates the shit that makes you want to say "f*ck dis job" on a bad day...but I was seated at a table with strangers and the women kept looking at me (one of them was a smoking hot BIG GIRL)...I thought maybe I had like a slippery snot boogie in my nose or something!

One of the guys pointed out to me "those women have been staring at you for a while now"...I'm like well I haven't slept with anybody's husband or cursed anyone out yet so...I could care less...let em stare...I look awesome today anyway...he laughs...
A few hours later, one of the ladies approaches me out in the hall after a meeting break and says "my friend and I so enjoyed your input and comments, you're so funny..." ...I'm thinking WTF??
We went on to talk about work and our jobs and where we wanted to go within the company and I found it very refreshing...women don't usually genuinely want to appreciate each other...especially BLACK women...and that's very unfortunate...because I always find myself complimenting women on whatever I think looks appealing about their appearance...
It's nice to see that I'm not alone in that regard...*smile*
People usually don't surprise me so, it was weird at first! I don't really do that well with strangers (except for work, because its my job to engage weird people and talk to them about things that I wouldn't out in the real world)...but its different when I'm not at work...I've mastered the art of ignoring people...typical NY'er...yea whatever, suck on these!

OK, so, yeah...enjoy the weekend!
later!

Don't...Make Me Get Up!?!

I am feeling like this right now!

I was just sitting on my deck sipping a glass of wine and 2 dudes are like talking really loudly and they know I'm sitting here...friggin' pricks...!

So because I'm an asshole, I say "Really? You're really talking this loud at 11pm on a Sunday night? Wow, I know you two don't have jobs!"

They looked at me like I was standing there butt naked eating a bar of soap...

One of em said "Excuse me?"....I said "Ju no speaka di Engleesh?, keep it down!!" I'm doing my neighbors a big favor, trust me!! W/e...RME!

PS...Yes! That IS my bra...stfu!

Kids SUCK!!! Yeah, I Said It!?!?!

So, I'm a little aggravated because I think people nowadays do NOT control their friggin' kids!
OK, so I'm not sensitive to the plights of parents because I don't actually have kids...well there goes my credibility...rme (rolling my eyes)...
All I'm saying is why are you letting your kids run around all "untamed"? If one of your rugrats bumps into me, YOU should say "Excuse me, I'm so sorry". But instead you look at me like I'm in the little bastards way?!?! UGH!
And they are ALWAYS effing sticky!! Yuck! They fart and puke and their coordination is almost always off...!
I don't give a shit if you assume people won't care because everyone is supposed to "know" how kids are and just accept it!! Yeah, Not me!!
When I was a child my mother would snatch me up with what black people refer to as "The Quickness"...She didn't tolerate me acting up and showing out and all the crazy shit that kids do now...I knew better, because I was taught better...!
I hope to have my children trained and well-mannered before the age of 5, having experienced first hand how pissed off people get when kids don't behave! I know as my mom always says "Kids will be Kids"...but damn...rude children grow into rude adults...!
Teach your damn kids some manners people! Argh!!
OK.... I feel tons better...
Hmmm, I think I'll make some homemade brownies??

Update: Having pinched a fat roll from my gut a second ago, my previous post of brownies will now be replaced with a stalk of dry-ass celery, lightly sprinkled with lemon juice... Smh