The Life of A Mom...Poop In The Fingernails!!

This is my baby Quishu...He is bad as all hell!! But he's my booboo so I mean, what'reyagonnado??
So recently he took his bad ass into the kitchen and turned the garbage over and ate what was left of a popcorn dinner that I had recently... (Don't judge me!)
Needless to say he was beyond backed up, he was at that stage of constipation where you sit in the friggin corner and whimper, or growl at the foreign object formally known as your right paw!
So I couldn't take it anymore, I had to save my baby boy...I knew what it was because all of the online sites pointed to extreme constipation (and I didn't REALLY feel like paying the $196 vet fee...bastards...)...so I thought to myself maybe I should give him a puppy laxative...or (what the pet sites that I cruise occasionally refer to as) mineral oil.
...2 days later still NO POOP... So I had to do something I couldn't stand to see him squirming around!
Ok now don't hate me, I would never do anything to hurt my poor baby...but what's a mom to do????? The vet I talked to on the phone said to use a turkey baster, (yeah like I have those lying around...judgemental beeyotch!)...so I said can I just use a straw or something?...no answer...I could feel her rolling her damn eyes too...ugh!!
She said "if you bring him into the office we can try to break down the blockage", I said "so why cant I do that myself, for free?"...she said "Um, well you can try"...this fucker is aggravating me now.
I put her on speaker and took Quishu outside on the deck and tried not to vomit...
She wanted me to put my damn finger in my baby's bum!!! WTF?!?!?!?! I wanted to chew off the side of this lady's face!! But.....he was suffering...and screaming...and lets just say that he couldn't sit down for 2 days...BUT................I DID IT!!!!! And he made poo...
He is feeling loads better already...he's back to running around like a psycho and jumping into my arms with a plate of food in my lap...and then mommy has to spend her movie-night cleaning spaghetti off of his bum...awesome!
But whats best for the baby is all that matters, no matter that every time I see him poop I have convulsions and silently die inside...cause eeeew!
But yeah, so that's my tragedy...yes...I know!
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Side Note:
Am I the only one whose piss switches directions midstream??....Soooo aggravating... :-x

Why Don't I Have Enough Money to Travel??

Every now and then I get this urge to flee...call it anxiety...call it boredom...call it a need to see something different, who knows?

I've been planning a trip to Greece since like 2007, but I'm lazy and procrastination is like my only talent. But I'm realizing that I have zero funds available to take a random trip around the world. Oh and I'm single so that's another reason...I don't have that AWESOME double income thing poppin'. So naturally I tried to explore the reasons why I have no travel money. I came across a few things...

* I buy something for my house twice a week, whether it be a throw rug, or curtains, or a new mop...I simply am addicted to the housewares department of Target/Ikea/Pier 1/Home Depot...yes I said Home friggin Depot! I like to switch up bedroom color schemes and I like pillows....don't judge me!

* I lend people money...that I hardly EVER get back...and I'm too nice to hound people...like the mafia...who ALWAYS gets paid btw... Ever have a conversation with someone that owes you money? It's weird and uncomfortable...because every word they say you're like...stfu...and pay me...damn! Or......maybe that's just me.

* My truck EATS and SWALLOWS gas...probably only because I have a lead foot and hate hitting the brakes. I have some little driving tips that help to save gas, but none of them actually include slowing the fuck down!

* I pay for my moms EVERYTHING, because shes my only one and I think she deserves to be well taken care of (I mean she took care of me, and still sometimes does!).


* I buy whatever the hell I fell like buying, whenever I have the money...yea...I suck at saving... I mean, I try really hard sometimes...and I even get really great at it...but the "voices"...They speak to me and say things like... "Dude, you can totally fit that 9, buy it now or be a loser" or "It has to be divine intervention for your ass to look this awesome in those jeans"!

* I buy something every time I feel badly in order to make myself feel better...I know that millions of women do this...hmmm but those women are either married to men with money or they're also bad at saving.

* I eat out alot!! Like waaaay too much... which is probably why my ass looks like cottage cheese in a garbage bag...smh....bastard!

I always say that I'm gonna start saving more, but then...NYET! So maybe I should set aside like $20 dollars every check...hahaaaaaaa! Wait, isnt that called a 401K??
...MotherFugger!

Update: I was headed to the mall to "look around"...BUT I stopped myself...but then still bought a book on Amazon...shit...

10 Things To Do With a Severed Thumb

....because.......why not?

1: Give someone a wet willy...or my favorite...a wet Jessica.. :-)
2: Pick your nose while spinning in a circle!
3: Chuck it at a former president who "just doesn't give a shit"!
4: Slice it open, stuff it with catnip and tie a string to it. (Kitty toy)
5: Slip it in the pedicure tub at the nail salon!
6: Try to return it at Walmart...
7: Give to your waitress as a tip. (Make sure to include a wink after!)
8: Tape it to the windshield wiper of a strangers car.
9: Add bananas, blend it up and make baby food! Protein...yummm!
10: Talk to it while you sit in traffic!

Am I missing anything...?

Sausage Boobs

I was thinking about boobs earlier...and what it would feel like to have none. I see a lot of boobs...well not a lot...but you know. When I'm talking to people they glance down at the girls like every 11th word, others just stare and block out my mouth moving at all!
So for the next 2 days I'll just stare and drool at every male package I see, it's my way of returning the favor. Bastards!
Now if I didn't have huge breasts my life would probably be different. I wouldn't have half as much free shit, and sex would be that much more boring.
I enjoy the compliments and the attention, but it would be nice if i didn't have to try on like 4 blouses at a time to find the one that fits well enough in the boob area. I don't want to wear anything that pops open and takes an eye out...hmmm...that would be funny!
Man, I can wait to get out of this friggin' suit...my boobs are suffocating.
I now know what a sausage feels like... :-(

20 Reasons I can't be Obama's Sidepiece.....Anymore...

Do you hear that? Yeah, thats my heart breaking...

1. My ego is just too big to deal with the fact that I can't like declare war and my boyfriend can!

2. He whistles the tune to Good Times in the friggin' shower.

3. The nail on the pinky toe of his left foot is all irrational and scary-looking.

4. He likes for Michelle to watch. The first time it's cool and kinky...but every Thursday?? C'mon!

5. Hilary will not stop fucking winking at me! I have no idea why, but it makes me think he's saying something about me!

6. He wears PAJAMAS, I mean....seriously? No matter what I say, he never sleeps in boxers, a wife beater or just a t-shirt. It's always silk, satin or flannel PJ's...tops and bottoms...that always MATCH!!

7. He sucks his fingers after eating. Argh! But only after meals that include chicken.

8. He says SPIC. Only when with friends and in private, but still.

9. Every time he hugs my Grandmother, he frowns a little.

10. He calls me the "nanny" when there are press releases on the grounds.

11. He has a garden that he tends to everyday at 4:17pm. It's cool, but just a little bit weird.

12. In private he speaks this weird language from Kenya, and every time I ask him about it, he just stares at me blankly.

13. Whenever we kiss our teeth clink together and it makes me want to bite his tongue off.

14. He doesn't have a cell phone!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When he should probably have like 11 of them!

15. He doesn't believe in cremation, he thinks the ashes will rebuild themselves like Terminator!

16. He doesn't eat anything yellow. Butternut squash, bananas, lemons, cake...nothing!

17. He makes me ask him for his autograph as foreplay.

18. He always drunk-dials the same Plumber in Minnesota. I have to snatch the phone every time and apologize to Earl and his wife Nancy.

19. He ate 6 live earthworms once.

20. He told me the other day: "I don't love you" and I said "What? Why not?"...he said "I don't know, I just can't, and I should be sorry, but I just can't!"

That....Fucker!

I Guess I'll Be a Horny Toad for Halloween

I'm sitting here trying to think of ANYTHING to get my mind off of the fact that I'm so HORNY I'd wink at a goat right now! I think there's something wrong with me, I'm like a guy. Men think about sex about every 42 seconds, no bullshit!?!? I promise you, I'm up to like at least every 11 minutes or so. It's a lot longer interval when I've either just had sex or have had sex in the last 24 hours. I literally could have sex like three times a day without ever flinching...some days more, some less.
I'm like that distracted dog in the movie "UP"...the one who says "SQUIRREL" in the middle of his conversations! If it's not a boob popping out of a lady's shirt to remind me of his tongue around my nipples, it's a sexy guy that smiles at me in the grocery store. I'm like an animal, with big old balls that need to be released.
Maybe I have a hormonal imbalance? Or maybe I was born a hermaphrodite and I still have tons of testosterone? Doctors think I'm a lunatic, they say I'm fine, they say my sex drive is just abnormally ridiculously high..I say...F*CK YOU...!!
Happy Halloween...

Why Give Up Being Single??

Ya know, It's a wonderful thing to be home alone...walking around all scraggly and smelling like tartar sauce! Being single has its benefits...like not having to shave every 2 days and farting out loud...

Why would I give this up?? No, really....

Oh wait damn! ...SEX...duh!